


Christmas Cookies

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Breakup, Childhood Friends, Christmas setting, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Dynamics, Infidelity, M/M, Neighbors, non-explicit Cas/Bart, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:40:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21858451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: Castiel is bringing his boyfriend home for Christmas for the first time since they've been together. It's a big deal because it will be the first time he's met any of them and Castiel is excited about the holiday. But after a series of delays that lead Cas to Lawrence alone, he runs into his childhood best friend and realizes maybe he's not as happy in his relationship as he thought.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, non-explicit Castiel/Bartholomew
Comments: 31
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt that I have since lost the link to: **my SO proposed to me on Christmas morning in front of my family and I said no because after seeing you again, I know it’s you that I want**

When Cas gets the call about the big family Christmas, he's thrilled. It's early November and, according to his sister, it will be the first time the whole family has been together since their parents passed. It doesn’t feel like that long, but he doesn’t question it because Anael is usually right about these things. As an added bonus for Cas, it's the first time he'll be bringing someone home for Christmas and he's really looking forward to it. 

Every year Anael asks him if he's seeing someone and every year he has to say no. It's not his fault that he's been busy or uninterested or just not what other people are looking for in a partner. This year, not only will he have someone to tell Anael about, but he'll have someone to introduce to her on top of it. Plus, Bart is successful and incredibly handsome; Cas knows she'll be proud. This year, there's nothing that could possibly go wrong. 

Not, at least until halfway through the month. Cas has had his time booked off from work since he got the call from Anael and as far as he knew, Bart would get the time off with no problem. They've talked about it, and since Bart’s family is in Kansas as well, they're going to have a joint Christmas Eve dinner so they can all get to know each other. Cas figured since Bart's family was part of the plan too, that he might be a little more concerned about things going well. Apparently, he was wrong. 

Cas is booking flights for them both when Bart gets home. He walks straight through the apartment to the bedroom and Cas rolls his eyes. All he can hope is that Bart stops worrying about work long enough to enjoy the holidays when they actually get there. He gets to the final step of booking and realizes that he never confirmed with Bart whether the travel days were okay. 

"Babe?" He calls, "did you get the days off to leave on the 18th?" There's a moment's pause and then Bart comes out of the bedroom, tie loose around his neck and he gives Cas a disappointing look. 

"I can't do the 18th, they need me." _Of course they do_. Bart can clearly tell that he's disappointed and he crosses the room, coming up behind Cas and rubbing his shoulders. "Go on the 18th," he says softly, "spend an extra day with your family. I'll be there on the 19th, okay?" He kisses the top of Cas' head and moves to head back to the bedroom. 

Cas is disappointed, but he also likes the idea of having his family all to himself for one day so he doesn’t complain. He continues with the booking, editing it for only one passenger. It's just a minor blip and Cas intends to make the most of it. It won't even be an inconvenience. 

The second blip is slightly more of an inconvenience because it occurs just days before Cas is set to leave; this time he's packing when it happens. He's almost finished, there are only a few things left to get together, most of which are gifts, and he's finally shed the majority of the holiday stress. In four days he'll be back home in Lawrence and everything will be wonderful. The only commitment he has once he gets there are a few final gifts he hasn't had time to buy here. 

Only then Bart breaks the news that the case he's working on is going longer than expected. Cas tries to be patient because he knew Bart's work was important getting into this relationship and he knew as a lawyer that sometimes Bart can't control what days he does and doesn't work, but he's still disappointed. He tells Bart that it's fine and he'd rather have him there late than never, but he retreats to the bedroom and spends the rest of his night on the phone with Anael until she manages to calm him down. 

It works temporarily, but by the time it comes for Cas to leave, he's worked himself into a panic again. 

His main fear is that Bart will just blow off the holiday all together. Bart's already gone by the time he wakes up that morning and Cas gets ready to go while texting Anael about his worries. He's catching a cab to the airport so that Bart will be able to use the car until he flies out. The cab companies have been hectic the last couple of weeks, so he called ahead last night to book. When he gets the text that the car is there, he grabs his things and quickly fumbles to send a text off to Bart as he heads downstairs. 

Cas takes advantage of the ride to the airport to fill Anael in on his schedule and to let her know he hasn't heard anything more from Bart. She's better than anyone at helping Cas see the bright side of things and he's calmed down again before he even gets to the airport. 

Getting through the airport and onto the plane proves to be the easiest part of this trip so far. He's in and out of security and it's only a half hour wait before they start boarding. The plane is on time and the flight is smooth. Something else has to go wrong because traveling is never this easy. 

Most of his siblings won't be there yet and Anael is six months pregnant so he's not going to bother her asking for a ride when he can easily catch a cab. He considers renting a car, but probably be at home most of the time anyway and if not he's sure someone can drive him. And luckily for him, Anael’s house isn't too far from the airport. 

When he arrives, the lawn is decorated with wire form deer and it brings Cas back to his childhood, sitting in the window with Hannah and watching the lights blinking in the dark. He smiles to himself as he climbs the front steps. He knocks on the door before turning the knob and pushing it open. There's a rustling from the kitchen and Cas calls out.

"Hello?" The rustling gives way to dead silence and then Anael and Gabriel appear in the hallway. Cas beams at them and sets his bags down as Gabriel rushes over and pulls him into a tight hug. 

"Cassie!" he grins, "god, it feels like I haven't seen you in forever. What have you and that lawyer of yours been up to that's so much more important than us?"

Cas just rolls his eyes as Gabriel lets him go and he moves toward Anael. "Cas," she smiles, "feeling better?"

"Much," Cas nods and Gabe frowns at him. 

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Bart was delayed again so I don't know when he'll be here now, but it's fine." Gabriel gives him an exasperated look that Cas knows isn't aimed at him. He nods in response. It might be the first Christmas that he's brought Bart to, but it's not the first holiday that he's made more complicated. 

"We'll be fine without him for a couple of days," Gabe smiles encouragingly. "With all the baking Anael has planned you won't even notice he's gone."

"Is that what you were doing instead of texting me?" Cas asks. Anael shrugs.

"Before Gabe got here I was on my own. No one else is here yet. Besides, there is a serious lack of baked goods in this house right now."

"And you had to amend that," Cas says. 

"Of course," Anael and Gabriel say in unison. Cas rolls his eyes. Really, he should have known that those two alone together would result in desserts. 

"I'm gonna-" he nods toward the stairs. Anael and Gabriel head back to the kitchen and Cas makes his way upstairs to get settled. 

It's been a couple of years since he's been back to his old room but he still gets the same nostalgic feeling when he sets his bags down on the bed. Normally, he doesn't unpack when he travels, but coming home he's comfortable enough and he takes a few minutes to organize his things. 

Once his clothes are in the dresser and the gifts have been neatly stacked in the closet, he makes his way back down to the kitchen to see how Anael and Gabriel are doing with their baking. It smells incredible, so something must be going right. 

The kitchen looks like a bomb went off, but that's pretty much par for the course around the holidays. Cas plops himself down at the kitchen table and watches as Gabe pulls cakes out of the oven. If anything else, there definitely won't be a shortage of desserts. 

"Hey, Cas," Anael calls, peering under the cupboards at him. "Can you run next door and ask Mary if she has any eggs? Gabe used them all on his cakes and I just need two more to finish these cookies." 

He's only just arrived, but he's glad to help and he hasn't seen Mary Winchester since he moved away, so even stopping by to borrow eggs will be a nice visit. He slips his shoes back on and heads over across the lawn to the Winchester's house. As a kid he and the Winchester boys were practically inseparable; if they weren't out playing in the yard, they were in his basement building forts out of cardboard boxes. Cas hasn't seen any of them since he moved away for school but they used to be so close. 

He knocks on the front door and waits for a moment. When no one answers, he decides to test his luck with the other neighbours; they're new in the last couple of years and he's never met them, but Anael says they're nice. He has just turned to leave when the door opens and Cas turns to find not Mary looking back at him, but Dean. 

Cas' stomach does a little flip and his face breaks into a grin without his permission. Dean was cute in high school when they saw each other every day, but now? Now, Dean's stunning. It takes Cas a second to remember that he's already seeing someone and that he's on a mission from his sister, and he'd be more concerned about it if Dean wasn't blatantly checking him out. Some things never change. 

"Jesus, Cas, it's good to see you." They lean into each other instinctively, holding each other close for just a moment before pulling apart. 

"Yeah," Cas agrees, "you too."

“How’ve you been?”

“Good, mostly,” Cas smiles. “Pretty good.”

“You home for Christmas?”

“Yeah, uh,” he pauses for the briefest moment, doubting himself, before continuing, “I’m bringing my boyfriend home this year.” There’s something that feels wrong about telling Dean he’s dating someone, but he’s not going to lie to him. “It’s the first time everyone’s been together in ages.”

Dean nods silently like he knows when the last time was. “That’s awesome,” he says, but he doesn’t sound as enthusiastic as he looks. Cas’ chest is tight and he tries not to think too much about it, but he knows the change is only because he mentioned a boyfriend. 

“What about you?” he asks, trying to change the subject. “I know I haven’t been home a lot, but I haven’t seen you in ages?”

“Yeah, Sam’s here too. He’s married now, got a kid,” seeing the look on Cas’ face, Dean grins wider. “I know right? Sammy’s got a baby.”

“God, it has been a long time.” He thinks back to the last time they saw each other and he can’t even remember now. Dean is the last person Cas was expecting to see on this trip home, but he’s definitely glad to see him. 

“Sorry, uh,” Dean huffs awkwardly. “You came over for something, what’s up?”

“Oh, right.” Cas is a little disappointed, remembering his task because he’d much rather just stay and catch up with Dean. “Anael's making cookies and she ran out of eggs."

Dean's grin just spread and he nods knowingly. "Yeah, come on in I'm sure we have some extras." Dean leads him into the kitchen and Cas has flashbacks to running through the house with water balloons in the summer only to be firmly turned around when Mary found out what they were doing. 

Dean rummages around in the fridge for a few minutes and comes out with a half carton of eggs. "How many do you need?" he asks and Cas shrugs.

"Anael said a couple so anything from two to five."

"Take the carton," Dean says. "I have to pick up Sam tomorrow so if we need them I can pick them up then."

"Do you still have the car?" Cas asks and Dean beams at him. 

"Sure as hell do. Mom and Dad had a lunch date so he borrowed it. If you're free tomorrow I'll take you for a ride." Fuck, Dean hasn't lost any of his charm. 

"You sure?"

"About the car or the eggs?"

"The eggs," Cas chuckles.

"Of course. Your sister covered our asses a lot, the least I can do is give her some eggs. You should probably get back to her, though because I also remember her being a little impatient."

Cas rolls his eyes fondly. "Yes, and she's less patient now than ever."

"Then you'd better get back. Fuck, it's good to see you again, though."

"I'm here all week," Cas says, following Dean back to the front door. Dean leans in the doorway as Cas (steps) out onto the steps. 

"I was serious about the ride, too. If you're not busy I'd like to see you again while you're in town."

"You know where to find me," Cas grins and he realizes maybe he's being too flirty, but he's never had to restrain himself around Dean before and he doesn't mean anything by it anyway. Maybe if Bart would have been here, he'd be better behaved, but he's a little bitter right now. 

When he gets back to the house, Anael is waiting for him. There's a half full bowl next to her and she's picking something out from under her fingernails. When she hears him approach, she looks up with a smile. 

"Did you get my eggs?" she asks. 

"And then some," Cas replies, handing the carton over to her. "Why didn't you tell me Dean was home?" Anael shrugs, taking the carton and turning back to her recipe. 

"Dunno. Guess we figured it didn't matter so much since you've got Bart now."

"He's still my friend, Anael."

"True. Sorry. Thought it might be awkward for you since you guys were, y'know."

"We weren't anything but friends," Cas corrects her and Anael turns to him with a raised eyebrow. 

"Uh huh. That's exactly my point." She grins at him and Cas just rolls his eyes. "I am sorry though, I should have told you."

"It's not a big deal, just thought it might have come up. Do you need help with the cookies?" 

"Yeah, you wanna go preheat the oven to 375?" 

Cas nods and crosses over to the oven. Anael may have overlooked Dean's presence and whatever it may or may not have meant to Cas, but nobody else seems to. When Gabriel comes in to check on them, the first thing he asks is how Dean is.

\- - - - -

Dinner that evening is just the three of them. Michael and his fiancee are flying in tomorrow and probably won’t be in until the afternoon. After dinner, everyone pretty much does their own thing. Cas retreats to his room to find a voicemail from Bart.

After running into Dean, he'd almost forgotten Bart was still planning on coming and it's a surprise to hear he's booked a flight. According to the voicemail, he's due to arrive on the 21st, only a couple of days from now and Cas has to admit he's impressed. He texts back that he's glad to hear it and can't wait to see him. Unsurprisingly, there's no immediate response. Bart's busy, Cas tells himself, but it doesn't stop his heart from sinking just a little. 

He thinks back to this afternoon and how happy Dean was to see him again. Granted, it's been a couple of years for them, but there was a time when Bart was that happy to see him too. Even after a day at the office, he would look forward to coming home and Cas would look forward to seeing him. These days, Cas feels like he could be there or not and Bart wouldn't care any more one way or the other. 

Maybe he's just thinking too much about things; if Bart didn't care, he wouldn't bother coming to Lawrence at all, right? He doesn't really know anymore. When they're together it's so much easier to justify whatever comes between them, but when he's here with his family, with people who really do care and would go out of their way to do things for him, he's not so certain. So he texts Anael. 

_> > Do you think it's weird that Bart isn't making an effort to be here?_

_> > I would have thought he'd be more involved considering his whole family is going to be here, too. _

_**< < Have you talked to him about it?** _

_> > Not yet. I wanted to make sure I'm not overreacting._

_**< < It's obviously bothering you. You should definitely mention it. ** _

She's probably right, but he knows what Bart will say. _Cas, you know my work takes up most of my time. I don't want to be away all the time, but sometimes it's inevitable._ And then he'll do something like kiss the top of his head and make him feel like he's just imagining everything. He doesn't say as much to Anael because he knows she'll be upset about it and he doesn't want to make things more complicated when she meets him.

He sets his phone down and rubs his eyes. Anael's right though if there was nothing wrong he wouldn't be so worried about it. Maybe they can work on it over Christmas where there won't be any work to get in the way of things.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, guys! I had a birthday party yesterday and I didn't get home until late!

In the morning, Anael wakes him up and announces that they're going out for breakfast. Cas groans and rolls over, but she lies down next to him and pulls the blankets off his head. 

"Come on, it'll be fun. Gabe’s getting breakfast with some friends from school, so it’ll just be you and me. It’ll be fun.”

She's right and he knows it, but he didn't sleep well last night and he's not exactly eager to get out of bed so early. He tells her this and she laughs. 

"Just wait until you’ve got a five-year-old niece or nephew running around the house. You won't be asleep past six all Christmas."

"Not if they're anything like you," he grumbles. 

"I'll buy you a coffee and we can go shopping. I haven't found anything for Michael yet and I need your help." To be fair, Cas also has Christmas shopping left to do, so maybe a day with Anael won't be so bad - even if it is 7:30 in the morning. 

He does feel better once he's had coffee and eaten something, although Anael insists that chocolate crepes aren't a sustaining breakfast. 

"Good thing I'm just eating for me then," Cas grins back, taking another bite. "When I start eating for two, I'll have omelettes too." She smiles back at him and flicks a hashbrown at him. 

"Touche."

After breakfast, they head to the mall and Cas remembers why he hates Christmas shopping. It's not because he doesn't have the money or because his family is hard to buy for, but he always second-guesses himself. He'll find something that seems perfect for someone and by the time he goes to pay for it, he'll be doubting himself. Having Anael with him helps to streamline the process. 

She helps him decide and when he gets wishy-washy about it, she assures him and reminds him why he chose it in the first place. For the first time probably forever, Cas manages to get the majority of his Christmas shopping finished in one afternoon. 

When they get back to the house, they're just pulling into the driveway when Cas spots the Impala next door. He tries not to let Anael see the way he grins, but she notices anyway and leaves her things in the car to go over and say hello. Cas huffs as she looks back over her shoulder at him, but he follows obediently. As they cross into the Winchester's yard, Sam and Dean are climbing out of the car. 

"Hey boys, long time no see."

Sam turns first, his face breaking into a wide grin as he sees them. "Hey!" he laughs, stepping from the car to greet them. "Wow," he says approaching Anael, "how much longer to go?"

"Too long," she jokes, pulling Sam into a hug. "And your mom said you guys were expecting last time I talked to her.”

“It’s been a while,” Sam chuckles, “Sophie will be a year in February.”

“Yeah, we might have talked a while ago,” Anel admits. Sam pulls away from her and turns his attention to Cas, but Cas is still preoccupied with the fact that Sam has a kid. The last time Cas saw him, he was a kid. Dean told him, but it never really seemed real until now hearing it from Sam himself. 

"Hey, Sam," he smiles, letting himself be pulled close and tight. 

"Good to see you again." Sam casts a quick look over his shoulder and Cas just knows he's looking at Dean. When he looks, Dean is rolling his eyes and he's bent over in the backseat of the car. A moment later a woman appears from the opposite side and she crosses over, leaning on Sam's shoulder. 

"Hey babe," he smiles, turning and pressing a kiss to her cheek. "These are our neighbours Anael and Castiel. Guys, this is my wife, Ruby."

"Nice to meet you," Cas smiles. 

They finish with introductions just as Dean brings over the baby and she's enough of a distraction that Dean manages to pull Cas away for a moment without it being too much a big thing. 

"Hey," he smiles, "we're getting together with a bunch of people from high school tonight if you wanna come? It's not gonna be anything fancy, just dinner and drinks."

"Yeah," Cas nods, "I'd love to." 

"You wanna give me your number?" Dean smirks, "I'll give you a call when we're heading out? Or," he says, "Mom and Dad are out now, but they'll be back in a bit and I'm sure they'd love to see you. Plus, you can watch Sam and I make lunch for everyone."

Cas smiles. "I don't think I could possibly pass that up. Let me know when they get back?"

"It's a date. What's your number?" They exchange numbers with their siblings in the background and Cas is (blatantly) aware of Sam and Anael watching the interaction. He's sure to be interrogated when they get back inside, but right now he's just happy. 

Anael nudges him as they make their way back toward the house. She doesn't say anything when Cas looks at her, but the expression on her face is enough. If he wasn't already seeing someone, he'd be expecting her to try and set him up with Dean. Part of him still is.

They get their things inside and Cas takes his newly-bought gifts up to join the rest in the closet. He and Anael will wrap them together at some point, but right now he wants to relax. When he gets back downstairs, Anael is already on the couch flipping through channels and Cas flops down to join her. 

"What're we watching?"

"Dunno yet. Gabe's gonna be up in a minute though so no romance." She rolls her eyes and Cas laughs. 

"You can hardly blame him for that. Not after you and Michael forced that Hallmark marathon on us last time."

"Look, Hallmark movies are great, you just have no taste."

"Uh huh." Cas settles himself back into the corner of the couch and Anael leans back against him. 

"I'm glad we finally got you back here," she says. "It feels like forever since the whole family's been together."

"It's not just me," Cas points out, "but I'm glad too." 

Gabriel joins them a few minutes later, appearing with a tray of snacks and eggnog. They settle on the kid's channel, watching through episodes of their favourite Christmas cartoons. Anael's right, it's been too long since the whole family was together and Cas is looking forward to seeing the rest of his siblings. 

"Hey," he frowns, "where's Michael? I thought they would be here by now?"

“They land at eleven,” Gabe explains. “I’m picking them up soon.”

"Well Cas has a date so hopefully they get here before then." 

Gabe turns to look at him and Cas sighs. "It's not a date. Dean invited me next door for lunch with his family. It's been a long time."

"It has," Gabriel agrees and Cas doesn't miss the hint of a smile in his eyes. 

"You all know it's been like four years since we've seen each other, right? It's not a date." Even if it was, Cas thinks, he wouldn't be announcing it to everyone.

It does feel different though and maybe that's just because he and Dean have a history but he calms himself down by reminding himself that it's just a Christmas brunch. And with people who basically used to be a second set of parents to him, to boot. So why doesn't it feel like it?

He tries to take his mind off of it and soon enough he has a perfect distraction. Gabriel heads out soon after and it’s not forty-five minutes before he’s back. There's a honk from outside and they gather at the window to see Gabriel pull up with Michael in the front seat. The three of them wave as the car pulls up and then shuffle into the hallway to greet them. 

Michael and Anna barely have time to put their things down before Cas' phone goes off in his pocket. There are only two options; it's Dean inviting him over or it's Bart and he really doesn't want to know what Bart is calling for. For the moment, Cas elects to ignore it; if it is Dean, he'll understand and if it's Bart well, Cas is having a good day and he doesn't want any more disappointment. 

He hugs Anna and Michael and they relay the story of their exhausting trip from Michigan - three flight delays included - and then retreat to put their things away. Cas takes the moment to plop down on a chair in the living room and check his messages. Thankfully, it's from Dean. 

**_< < Mom and Dad are home if you want to stop by._ ** __

_> > Are you gonna be around for a little while? Mike and Anna just showed up._

_**< < Yeah for sure, just let me know.** _

If he's honest, he does want to go over right now. Since he saw Dean yesterday, he's wanted a chance to sit down and talk with him. Some of his best memories from childhood were just the two of them laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. And then trying to explain what’s so funny when someone found them. It's been a long time, but he could use that kind of energy right now. 

When Michael and Anna finish with their luggage, they join the rest of the family in the living room. Gabe squeezes onto the couch with Cas and Anael and Michael and Anna curl up on the loveseat. They end up chatting more than watching anything, but Cas doesn't mind much because he's been looking forward to family time for a long time.

"So," Anna asks, turning to lean on the arm of the chair and look over at Cas. "When do we get to meet this mystery man of yours?" Well, it was bound to happen at some point. 

The worst part is that a couple of months ago, he was so excited to bring Bart home and introduce him to his family, but a lack of interest on Bart's part has dimmed his own enthusiasm. 

"He'll be here in a couple of days," is the most enthusiastic thing he can think of to say. 

"What happened there?" Michael asks, "I thought he was coming with you."

"He was supposed to." It takes everything in him to keep from sounding as disappointed as he feels because he's already feeling like he's not important enough to be Bart's priority. He doesn't want his family to think that as well."He's working a case that's running longer than expected, but he should be here on the 22nd."

He's proud of the way his voice doesn't waver at all and he sounds completely genuine, but Anael shifts against his side and he knows she can tell the difference. It's not a surprise because she's always known him better than the rest of his siblings despite the age gap, but it means he's probably due to have a conversation with her later on. He’s surprised it hasn’t happened yet. 

"That sucks," Anna frowns and judging by the way she wrinkles her nose, she believes that he's genuine.

"Yeah, but he'll be here for Christmas Eve at least," Cas says and Michael nods along. 

"He'll miss the tree."

"Like we need any more opinions on picking a tree," Gabe mutters and Cas silently agrees. Historically, picking a Christmas tree has always been the biggest argument over Christmas. One year Michael and Gabe didn't talk to each other for the rest of the day. Still, it's one of Cas' favourite parts of the holidays, and he'd forgotten about it until right now. It gives him something to look forward to, arguments or no.

He stays for a little while longer before excusing himself and heading next door. His heart beats too quickly as he crosses into the Winchester's yard and he tells himself that he has no reason to be as nervous as he is, but it doesn't help. When he knocks on the door, this time he's at least expecting Dean when he pulls the door open. 

"Hey," Dean grins, "come on in." He leads Cas into the living room where the rest of the family is sitting around a lit fire and Mary beams over at him before Dean even says anything. "Look who I found."

"Cas." Mary rises from her spot on the couch and crosses over to pull Cas into a warm hug. "How are you, sweetheart?"

"Good," he smiles. When Mary steps back, it's John's turn, and he shakes Cas' hand before pulling him into a hug. He can feel Dean in the background and he smiles to himself. It's the first time he's been home for Christmas in ages and he has two families who are more than happy to welcome him. _Three_ , he reminds himself, so long as the next few days go as planned. 

When all the greetings are finished and Cas is allowed to sit down, Dean sits opposite him on the couch, smiling the whole time. 

"Have you met Ruby?" Mary asks and Cas nods. 

"Sam introduced us earlier."

"Oh good. Do you have any big plans for the holidays?"

"Not a whole lot. My boyfriend will be here in a couple of days and it'll be the first time he's meeting my family. I'll be meeting his as well." It's the last thing he wants to talk about right now but it's the only thing happening in his life worth talking about so he doesn't have much choice. 

"That's exciting," Mary smiles and Cas wishes he could share her enthusiasm. Sam casts a quick look between him and Dean and Cas finds that the moment of doubt that flashes across Sam’s face is much easier to identify with. 

It is an unusual situation, granted, but whatever was or wasn't between him and Dean happened a long time ago and never got far enough to actually give a name to. It doesn't stop him from feeling guilty talking about another man in his living room, especially when the Winchesters have never treated him as anything but their son. 

As it turns out, he has nothing to worry about because John and Mary are nothing but happy for him and Ruby can sympathize with a partner who's always busy with their job. She gives Sam a pointed look and he just gives her an overly wide smile. They seem incredibly happy together and Cas tries not to let it show how defeated it makes him feel. Sam is also a lawyer and they can still make their relationship work with long hours and unexpected absences. Cas can't help but compare it to the apparent trainwreck that is his own relationship. 

Maybe this is what people mean about getting distance from something before making a decision about it because he's never realized how unhappy he is until getting away from Bart for a little while. 

As promised, Sam and Dean duck out for a little while to make lunch and Cas has a chance to catch up with John and Mary and get to know Ruby. So far, he really likes her and if she makes Sam happy, he can't ask for much more. They talk about their respective holiday plans and what everyone's been up to in the last few years and it doesn't escape Cas' attention that no one mentions' a partner for Dean. 

It's not something he should care about at all but the Dean he knew would have been thrilled to have his own family to spend the holidays with. Dean was always the one who wanted that life; the spouse, the kids - and yet no one has said anything about it. It leaves Cas thinking that he's not seeing anyone and while it shouldn't mean anything to him, it gives him a warm, hopeful feeling that he does his best to squash. 

He and Dean had a chance - he and Dean had _many_ chances over many years - and never did anything about it. Cas has moved on and met someone else and while that might not be going as well as he hoped, it's still important to him. 

He just wishes Dean could have moved on too. He’d feel a whole lot better about bringing Bart home and introducing them if Dean was dating someone too. 

When Sam and Dean return, they've got sandwiches and soup and they set everything down on the coffee table before Dean sneaks back to the kitchen. Sam takes his spot and serves food to everyone and they are all eating by the time Dean comes back with drinks. 

"Hope no one has any plans for the rest of the night," he announces cheerfully. He looks at Sam and Ruby and takes two glasses from the side of the tray, setting them down in front of them. "Except you two, of course." Sam mock scowls at him but takes his drink and passes the other to Ruby. 

Cas takes the drink offered to him and Dean gives him a lopsided smile as he turns away. It's one of those stupid little gestures that makes Cas' heart flutter and he knows he shouldn't feel like this, but Dean's always had that effect on him. He doesn't see why dating someone else would make it any different. 

"Dean's a bartender," John explains and Cas catches the way Dean rolls his eyes fondly. "He likes to experiment when he comes home."

"What? I like trying new things."

The drink is good, really good, but Cas can't quite place what's in it and he makes a note to ask Dean about it later. The food is equally good and by the time they've finished eating, Cas is content. Sam and Ruby have plans to meet up with friends so they head out shortly after, leaving Cas with Dean and Mary after John takes the dishes to clean up. Dean comes over and sits himself down next to Cas. 

"We're still good for tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I think Benny's in town. Do you remember him, Benny Lafitte?" Cas nods slowly. He remembers Benny, though probably not in the same way Dean does. Six years is a long time in terms of moving on, but he still remembers Benny as the one Dean chose over him - though looking back, that might not have been exactly how it happened. 

"Yeah, I remember Benny. We went on that camping trip together up in Sioux Falls when you almost drowned in the river." Mary's head snaps up just as Dean opens his mouth to defend himself and Cas laughs. 

"Look," Dean starts, "that's not exactly what happened."

"Mmhm," Cas hums, disbelieving. He wants to say _I've missed you_ but the way he's feeling right now it might come across the wrong way. He has though, even if he didn't realize it at the time, but he's missed Dean all these years and he regrets not doing more to stay in contact with him. 

It's nearly dinner time by the time he heads home and despite meeting up with Dean again in a couple of hours, he doesn’t want to leave. 

His own family already has dinner cooking when he gets in and Anna greets him at the door with a huge smile. 

"Don’t go in the kitchen," she warns, "Anael's been all weird about cooking. She wants everything to be perfect this year because we're all together or something."

"She could still let us help," Cas says, but as they walk into the living room Gabriel shakes his head at him.

"Don't count on it. I tried and I got banned from the kitchen."

"Yeah," Michael says, "but that's because you eat more than you cook."

"That's only with dessert," Gabe argues, but it's a losing battle. Gabriel may be stubborn as hell, but Michael's just as bad and he's older. Cas shares a knowing look with Anna and takes a seat on the couch. 

There's a movie playing in the background but Cas doesn't recognize it and no one seems to be paying it much attention anyway. Cas tunes out, thinking about going out tonight. There are only a couple of people from high school that he's seen in the past few years and none that he's had any meaningful interaction with. He and Dean didn't always have the same friends, but it'll be nice to see some familiar faces either way. 

His phone rings, jarring him from his thoughts and when he checks the screen, it's Bart's number. For the first time, Cas is disappointed to see his number and he gets up and slips out of the living room before answering. 

"Hey," he says, trying to sound as enthusiastic as he can. 

"Hey, babe. How's it going?"

"Good. I ran into a couple of old friends, had lunch with them today."

"Nice."

"Are you still planning on coming out for the 22nd?" 

There's an intake of breath and in the moment of hesitation, Cas almost tells him not to bother. He's having a perfectly good time here without him, anyway. 

"Yeah, as long as everything goes well."

"Right. As long as everything goes well," Cas echos. He can practically hear Bart frown in response. 

"Cas, you know I can't just leave halfway through a case-"

"Yes," Cas says a little too quickly. He knows. He's been told countless times how important Bart's job is and how he can't just put it on hold for other, less important things. He wants to say exactly that, but he doesn't want to start a fight right before Christmas and he's been feeling off since he got here. Once they're together again, he won't feel so distant from him and he won't want to pick fights over every little thing. Hopefully. 

Cas sighs and shuts his eyes. "I know, babe. As long as you can make it before Christmas Eve."

"I promise. I love you."

Cas opens his mouth, but the words get caught in his throat. "I love you," he says quietly. 

"See you soon." 

The line dies and Cas stares at his phone for a moment before putting it back in his pocket. He's feeling so much right now and he doesn't know how to sort through any of it. Before he can even try, Gabe calls him for dinner. Cas breathes a sigh of relief; at least tonight, he'll be able to forget about everything and just have fun.

\- - - - -

Dean knocks on the door just after seven and Anael answers, so Cas doesn't get the message right away. He's just gotten out of the shower and managed to lose the shirt he was planning to wear so he's running around shirtless when he walks into the hall and Dean is right there. Dean catches sight of him and stops mid-sentence and Cas nearly trips over his own feet.

He feels wholly exposed and he can't think of a thing to say when Anael takes it upon herself to leave. "Have fun tonight," she winks and Cas wants to kick her as she leaves. 

"Hey, I was just-"

"I'm early,” Dean says, suddenly moving again. “Sorry."

"It's okay," Cas shakes his head. "I just have to finish getting dressed, do you want to-" he gestures toward the stairs and Dean nods, shutting the door behind him. He follows Cas up to his room, and sits down on the bed, looking around. 

"Hasn’t changed much, has it?”

"No," Cas agrees, "but to be fair, it's a huge house and I doubt anyone even comes upstairs when the family isn’t around." 

He digs around in the dresser to find another shirt and pulls on the first one he can find, eager to not be half-naked in front of Dean. He keeps his back to him, waiting for his heart to stop racing because this is stupid; he doesn't remember being such a mess around Dean in the past. 

"I'm sorry I never kept in touch," Dean says quietly and when Cas turns around, he's got his head tipped down, eyes turned up to Cas. "I meant to call or write or whatever, I don't know why I didn't."

"Life," Cas shrugs. "I know that's what happened to me." Dean smiles softly up at him and Cas tugs his shirt straight before holding his arms out, silently asking Dean’s opinion. Dean's eyes roam over him, and Cas’ skin heats under his gaze. 

"You look amazing," he says and it's a huge overstatement because he's just wearing a t-shirt and jeans but Cas will take what he can get. He ducks his head with a soft _thanks_ and reminds himself that in two days his boyfriend will be here and he has to check himself. 

"We should get going," he says and Dean nods. He says a quick goodbye to whoever is still in the living room and slips out the front door after Dean. Dean calls a cab and while Cas is waiting, his phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out to find a new message from Anael.

_**< < Have fun tonight. Don't look so damn nervous. ** _

He chuckles softly to himself and types a quick message back. 

_> > I just feel overwhelmed. I don't remember being like this around him before._

_**< < Oh no. You were always a mess around Dean. You just never showed it.** _

_**< < If it makes you feel better, you’re not showing it now, either ;)** _

_> > Somehow that doesn't make me feel better. _

He shoves his phone back in his pocket just as Dean turns around. 

"Should be right over," he says and Cas nods. 

When they get to the bar, there are already a bunch of people there, very few of whom Cas actually recognizes. Dean makes introductions quickly before ducking out to grab drinks. 

For the first little while, it's a lot of the same; talking about what everyone's been up to - not much, in Cas' case - and asking about plans for the holidays. By nine, their numbers have dwindled and the few who are left have dispersed. Dean and Cas have moved to a table near the bar and they're chatting to the table next to them when Benny shows up. 

"Hey!" Dean calls, waving him over to the table. Benny grins when he sees him, though when he spots Cas, he gives them a peculiar look. When he gets closer, Dean pulls out a chair for him to sit. 

"You remember Cas, right?" he asks and Benny lifts an eyebrow at him. 

"Course I do," he says. "You made sure no one would ever forget him."

"O-kay," Dean says abruptly, chuckling as he pushes himself out of his chair. "What can I get you to drink?" It's obviously a diversion, but Cas' interest is piqued and he's not going to let Dean wriggle out of this one. 

"Just a beer is fine," Benny says and Dean thwacks the back of Benny’s head as he crosses over to the bar. As soon as he's out of earshot, Cas leans across the table, looking at Benny expectantly. Benny laughs. 

"You really don't know how bad he had it for you back in high school?" Cas shakes his head. 

"I know we were a couple of idiots.” 

"Well that's for sure," Benny chuckles. "It's a miracle you two never ended up together, Dean was completely head over heels. I think you're the only person he ever said he loved other than his family."

The confession is totally unexpected and Cas’ doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until Dean comes back to the table. He wants to ask Benny to elaborate, but it’s too late. 

"Alright alright," Dean grumbles, coming back to rejoin them. "Storytime's over." He slides three glasses onto the table, pushing them to their respective spots and Cas is still reeling. 

_Everyone_ knew there was something going on with him and Dean in highschool. You'd have to be blind or completely oblivious not to notice that, but not even Cas knew it went that far. Dean never said anything to him, not explicitly and Cas was just as guilty. This news does nothing but further complicate the already-complicated feelings he presently has for Dean. 

He doesn't press for any more information with Dean around and their conversation drifts to other things. Cas' thoughts pretty much stay exactly where they are. He joins their conversation, but whenever there's a lull, he can't help thinking about Dean, wondering why they never managed to say anything to each other when they were kids. Maybe if they had, he wouldn't be stuck in this stupid, confusing relationship that he's in now. 

Benny can't stay long because his fiancee is catching a late flight in from Ottawa, but they play a couple of games of pool and have a few more drinks before he's on his way. Cas is glad he got to see him again, even if his confessions about Dean are driving him crazy now. 

They say goodbye to Benny and by that time it's late and most of the crowd has diminished. There are a few people still sitting at the bar and there's a big group on the opposite side, but Dean and Cas are pretty much alone in their little corner. 

"So," Dean says, "tell me about this boyfriend of yours."

Cas barely holds back a groan because Bart is the last thing he feels like talking about, especially right now, _especially_ in present company. But he doesn't want to say no to Dean. 

"What about him?"

"I don’t know, you don’t talk about him much. What does he do? What does he look like? Does he treat you well?"

Cas shrugs and avoids Dean's gaze. "His name is Bartholomew. Bart. He's a lawyer."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. He's good at his job which I guess it good because I'm still just working at the coffee shop. But I don't need to worry about money right now it's just-" he realizes he's rambling and reigns himself in. "I guess I just wish I saw him more often."

Dean nods but doesn't comment. "You got a picture of him?" He does, he has dozens of them on his phone ranging back through the past year or so, but he finds a more recent one - one without him in it - to show Dean. 

"Wow," Dean whistles, "you did pretty well for yourself." Cas hums thoughtfully. Dean frowns. "You don't agree?" 

"Can I be honest with you?" he asks, looking up at Dean. 

"Of course."

"Since I came home I've been... questioning how serious I am about him. Or... how serious he is."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything was okay before I came home but Bart delayed his trip here twice and then I came home and..." he sighs. "My family was just so happy to see me and then your parents and Sam - and _you_. Everyone here was happy to see me, they wanted to have me around and I felt like they genuinely cared. I don't feel like that when I'm with him."

"You should," Dean frowns. He pauses and then, “he sounds like a dick." He's unapologetic and Cas huffs a laugh. "I'm serious, man. He obviously can't see what's right in front of him."

"Thanks," Cas mumbles. He doesn't ask Dean to elaborate because right now he's likely to do something stupid if Dean is kind to him. Instead, he switches topics and asks about the Winchester's plans for this week. 

Dean's chatting happily about Christmas dinner and how glad he is that Sam has Ruby and baby and Cas is trying to focus on what he says, but he keeps slipping. Dean is just as beautiful as he ever was, if not more so now, and Cas can't help but stare as he talks, watching the way the dim light highlights his face. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he's aware that he shouldn't be so focused on Dean because he's still with Bart, even as unsure as he may feel about that relationship right now. He's still seeing someone else and he shouldn't have to stop himself from reaching out and tracing a line between the freckles on his cheek. 

He drinks more to smother the feelings, but it has the opposite effect. Dean asks about their plans and Cas tries to distract himself relaying their plans for the next couple of days but everything involves Bart and he doesn't really want to talk about him anymore tonight. He ends up fumbling and telling him what he would rather do instead.

By the time last call is announced, Cas is drunk and sleepy and ready to head out. Dean insists on paying his tab and they sit at their table to finish off the last of their drinks. 

"Thanks for this," Cas says softly. "I had a really good time tonight. Bart doesn't like going out much so it's been a while."

"Doesn't know what he's missing," Dean mumbles with a smirk. 

"What?" 

"You get all pink and smiley when you're drunk," Dean grins. "It's cute."

"I'm not cute," Cas argues, huffing a soft laugh. 

"No," Dean agrees, serious again as he leans across the table, "you're so fucking sexy." Dean looks so completely genuine and Cas doesn't think before leaning in and closing the space between them. 

Dean's startled but his lips are soft and he responds enthusiastically when he catches up. He's soft and warm and Cas presses closer, his chair scraping against the floor as he inches toward Dean. Dean's breath is warm against his face and Cas' eyes drop shut as he lets himself feel it. He can't remember the last time he felt like this - warm and happy and wanted - and as Dean's arms slip around his waist, he draws back. 

"We should go," he breathes and Dean nods enthusiastically. They leave their drinks unfinished and tumble out into the street. It's raining outside and they take cover in the entrance to an alley to keep dry. Dean leans back against the wall and Cas watches him, taking in his expression, muted in the shadows. Every inch of his body is screaming to step closer, to close the space between them and touch him again. He tries to keep himself grounded, but as Dean pushes off the wall, all bets are off. 

Cas meets him in the middle, pushing his hands into Dean's hair and kissing him hard. Warm arms wind around his waist and Cas walks him back, pressing Dean up against the wall. Heat rushes through him as Dean's hands slip lower and Cas can feel himself get hard where he's pressed up against Dean's thigh. It takes all of his strength not to grind up against him but when Dean moves, he doesn't know why he bothers. 

Dean's lips drift, pulling away from his mouth and forming a cool wet line down the side of Cas' neck as he nips softly at the skin. He moves one hand, sliding up under Cas' shirt and back down his stomach, twisting as he reaches his pants and he hesitates for a moment before sliding down, letting his fingers slip over the bulge of Cas' erection. 

Cas whimpers as he presses into the touch. He wants this so badly and he knows he shouldn’t, but it's been so damn long. Bart is always busy with one thing or another and Cas can't remember the last time they had sex. 

_Fuck. Bart._

He gently lifts Dean's hands off of him and takes a step back. The guilt that overwhelms him is bad immediate, and it's only worse knowing that he doesn't want to stop, that if he just shut his brain off, he'd actually do this right now and he hates himself for it. 

"I can't," he whispers. "I'm sorry, I can't."

" _Shit_ ," Dean breathes. "I'm sorry, you're right, I-" Cas stops him, shaking his head. 

"It's not your fault, I shouldn't have-" he can't bring himself to say it out loud and he falters. "We should go home. "

Dean calls a cab and they wait in silence. Cas mentally curses himself the whole way home and when they pull up along the curb, he pays for the cab and climbs out after Dean. 

They walk up to their respective house and Cas is sure that he's fucked this up for good until Dean stops just short of the front stairs. 

"Hey," he says quietly, "apart from, y'know, I had a good time tonight. Wanna do it again tomorrow? Just you and me? I promise I won't kiss you this time."

Cas chuckles despite himself and agrees even though he knows it's a terrible idea. He wants to remind Dean that _he_ was the one who kissed him, but at this point, he doesn't think it matters. They say a quick goodbye and Cas stumbles into the house as quietly as he can. 

He immediately heads up to his room, but he feels dirty. He can still feel Dean's hands on him and it feels good for a split second before the guilt overtakes him again. He grabs his phone and heads for the bathroom to shower and hopefully wash some of the shame away. 

The water is hot and it feels good against his skin, but it doesn't stop him from thinking about Dean and it doesn't make him feel any less shitty about it. When he's finished, he heads downstairs to find liquor - if anything, it might help to drown the guilt. There's a half bottle of rum that he pulls down from the top cupboard and he plops himself down at the kitchen table with it.

He's only been there for five minutes when he hears footsteps coming down the hall. The way he sees it, he has two options: try to escape without being caught or let Anael find him like this. He settles for the latter; it's not like she hasn't seen him worse than this anyway. 

When she does find him, she sits down next to him without hesitation. "What are you doing drinking in the kitchen at three in the morning? I thought you were out with Dean?"

Cas groans and presses his face into his arm. "I was."

"Oof. Bad night?"

"I kissed him," he mumbles and Anael just stares at him. When she doesn't speak, he looks up and she's struggling to keep composure. "Don't smile at me like that," he chides, "it's not funny."

"You're right," she says. "I'm sorry, I just like Dean. I'm sure we will all love Bart, too, but I always sort of thought you and Dean would wind up together."

"Yeah," Cas huffs, "you and everyone else."

“I’m sorry,” she says and when Cas doesn’t reply, she pauses. "Can I just ask you one thing and I promise to shut up about it?" Cas shrugs and Anael leans over the table. "Was it good?"

"Was what good?"

"Kissing Dean, obviously."

Cas can't help the stupid grin that crosses his face and Anael beams in anticipation. "It was incredible." He pauses for a second in consideration. "It shouldn't have happened though. Bart will be here in two days and I shouldn't be kissing _anyone_."

"Right. Of course. Speaking of," Anael says, "how are things with you and Bart? Every time we talk it seems like you're frustrated about something he's done. Or hasn't done. You never seem to want to talk about him to anyone else."

"I thought everything was fine," Cas admits, "but I think maybe I had just adapted to the way we were. I don't know."

"Are you happy with him?"

He doesn't have an answer to that. A week ago, he might have said yes because it felt right, it's what he's always said, but since coming home he has something to compare it to and _happy_ doesn't seem to fit. Maybe complacent, but he's too drunk to say any of that right now. 

"Dunno," he mumbles. "Maybe I just miss him." Anael tries and fails to hide her disagreement and Cas frowns up at her. “What?”

"Let me be blunt. You don't kiss someone else because you miss the person you're already seeing. In the past six months you've seemed down and miserable and since you got home you're like a new person."

Cas listens quietly because he knows she's right. He's felt it, too. 

"Can I ask you a stupid question? How do you feel about Dean."

Cas lifts his head, looking at her. "Dean's only been back in my life for two days," he says and Anael smiles knowingly at him. 

"And already you're happier," she reminds him, rising up from the table. "There's nothing you can do right now unless you want to text Bart in the middle of the night to tell him you kissed someone else. Just think about it." 

He does think about it. In fact, it's the only thing he can think about all night. 

Eventually, when he finally winds up back in bed, he convinces himself to wait until Bart arrives to figure things out. Things always seem different at a distance so maybe when Bart and Dean are in the same place and Cas is around both of them at once, it'll be easier to figure out what he's feeling. 

Then again, maybe he just needs to wait until he's sober.


	3. Chapter 3

In the morning, Michael wakes him up to tell him they’re heading out to pick a Christmas tree today. Cas groans and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He feels like shit and the last thing he wants to do is get into any sort of moving vehicle. As he hauls himself up out of bed and peels off last night's clothes, he hopes for any excuse to stay home. 

When he gets downstairs, he finds one. Anael is lying on the kitchen table with her arms crossed under her head and she looks like she's in worse shape than he is. He sits down next to her, rubbing her arm. 

"You okay?"

"I'll be fine," she mumbles, "morning sickness. Plus, I didn’t sleep very well. Are you going out to find a tree?"

"Not if you're staying home alone."

She smiles at him. "Looking for an excuse?"

"I feel like hell."

"Alright, well I'm going back to sleep, but if you need anything, feel free to wake me up."

"I'm not gonna do that," Cas says, "but thanks for the offer. I should probably go break the news that I'm staying home." He pushes himself off from the table and heads back to the living room where Gabriel and Michael are already bickering about the perfect tree. They both turn and frown at him as he walks in.

"You're not dressed," Gabe says accusingly. 

"I'm not going. Anael's going back to bed and I don't want to let her stay at home all alone."

"Mmhm," Anna grins.

"Or," Gabe offers, "you and Dean drank too much last night and now you're using our lovely sister as an excuse. Did you have a good night at least?"

"Yeah," Cas lies because at the time it was good and everything up to the kiss _was_ a really good time. "It was good to see everyone again."

Gabriel rolls his eyes and Michael huffs a laugh. "Go sleep off your hangover, we'll come get you when we're ready to decorate."

"Have fun."

Cas goes back to bed, but he can't fall asleep, so he pulls out his phone. He stares at it for a few minutes before opening his last conversation with Dean and re-reading it. Anael was right, Dean does make him a hell of a lot happier than he's been lately, but he doesn't know what to do with that. He's with Bart now. He and Dean missed their chance. 

_> > I'm sorry about what happened last night. It was a mistake. _

_**< < Yeah. ** _

Well that's not exactly what he was expecting. This whole thing would be a whole lot easier if Dean would just agree with him. He has no one to answer to, though. For Dean, it was just a good night out and he probably went home and passed out and didn't spend all night wondering what the fuck he's doing with his life. 

_**< < I saw everyone leaving this morning. Gabe said they're picking out a tree, are you not going with them?** _

_> > Christmas tree hunt. Anael and I are sitting this one out._

_**< < Everything okay?** _

He doesn't know how to answer that, so he doesn't respond right away. Instead, Cas gets out of bed and takes another quick shower before getting dressed. Before he heads downstairs he sends off a quick message to Dean. 

_> > Everything's fine, just kind of a rough morning._

Dean doesn't respond immediately so Cas tucks his phone into his hoodie pocket and heads downstairs. He's in the middle of cracking eggs for breakfast when the front door opens.

"Hello? Cas?"

Cas smiles despite himself, leaning back to look down the hallway. "Dean?" he asks.

"Hey, you said you were having a rough morning, I thought you could use a little pick-me-up." He strolls into the kitchen with two glasses in his hands, holding one out to Cas.

"More rum?" Cas asks suspiciously. Dean just smiles at him.

"It's the best hangover cure. Drink it, you'll feel better."

Cas wants to tell him that alcohol is the last thing he should have when he's around him, but he doesn't because that's a whole other conversation he doesn't want to have right now. He takes the drink and sips it. 

"It's good," he concludes. 

"'Course it is, I made it."

"Thank you. Are you hungry? I'm making breakfast."

"I'm good, thanks." Dean pauses, shifting his weight. "Look I wanted to say I'm sorry if I put you in an awkward position last night. It's been a long time and I just... I forgot how good it feels to be with you. I know you're seeing someone and I shouldn't have said what I said so I'm sorry. Do you think we can just forget about it? Pretend it never happened."

Cas catches himself nodding, but he doesn't mean it. As soon as the words are out of Dean's mouth he knows that whatever he's feeling for him is more than just leftover feelings from when they were kids. 

"Good," Dean grins. "You want some help with breakfast?"

Somehow cooking eggs turns into baking and _somehow_ \- Cas puts all blame 100% on Dean - they end up googling pie recipes. Cas has never once baked a pie in his life, but Dean walks him through it and he figures at least he'll have something to feed his siblings when they get home. Only things don't go exactly as planned. 

Ten minutes in and Cas is covered in flour, having picked the bag up upside down - _who stores their flour upside down!?_ \- and he's had to remeasure the water) three times because he can't stop staring at Dean. The worst part is, he's barely even touched his drink so he has nothing and no one to blame but himself. 

By some miracle they actually manage to get the pie in the oven, and Cas is leaning in the corner of the counter, sipping his drink and making zero attempt not to watch Dean. When Dean turns, he lifts an eyebrow at him and Cas just smiles. 

"What?" he asks.

"Nothing," Cas shakes his head, taking another drink. Dean crosses the kitchen, coming to stand in front of him and Cas watches his expression carefully. He wants to kiss him, to feel the soft press of Dean's lips on his own again. He realizes he's staring again and pulls his gaze away, but Dean is so close he can feel him. 

"Cas-" he whispers. 

_God_ , this is so stupid and he knows he's just going to regret it as soon as Dean's gone, but he wants him so badly. He keeps thinking about last night, the way Dean touched him, how he kissed him. 

Dean's hands slip up his thighs and as he presses between them heat sears up Cas' spine. He doesn't remember the last time he was this easily turned on but he passes it off as a lack of sex lately and rejects the idea that it has anything to with Dean in particular. 

He leans back on his hands, letting Dean press between his legs and warms hands slip over his hips. He'd let Dean touch him everywhere if he could. As long as he doesn't do anything, he tells himself; he can let Dean touch him and it doesn't mean anything. The voice in the back of his mind tells him that if Bart caught him like this, he'd be telling a whole other story, but he ignores it, dropping his head back against the cupboard.

Dean's breath catches and Cas opens his eyes to look at him. His expression is muddled and he pulls back with a grimace, ducking his head. "Bart's so damn lucky to have you," he breathes. Cas very nearly leans in and kisses him, but the front door opens and Dean scrambles back. 

Cas slips off the counter and Dean gives him a look, trying without much success to hide a smirk. "You might wanna-" he gestures down and Cas follows his gaze to the very obvious bulge in the front of his pants. He hops back up to the counter hoping the embarrassment will be enough to will away his erection. 

"Smells amazing in here," Anna says, peeking into the kitchen. 

"Looks like a war zone," Gabe adds, following close behind. 

"We had a flour mishap," Dean shrugs, leaning against the counter next to Cas. "No big deal. We'll clean it up. In the meantime, you need a hand bringing that tree in?"

Dean hasn't even left when Cas' phone goes off and he ducks into the hallway to answer it. 

"Hello?" he answers without checking to see who it is. 

"Hey babe, how are things going there?"

"Oh. Hey. Things are good. I thought you'd be working?"

"Actually, I'm on my way to you."

Cas must look completely shocked because when Dean walks around the corner, he frowns at him. _What's wrong?_ he mouths and Cas suddenly finds his voice again.

"That's awesome, babe. When will you get here?" He looks pointedly at Dean. "Oh, wow. Okay. See you soon, then." He ends the call and drops his arms to his sides with a resigned _fuck_. 

"What's wrong?" Dean asks, "when we first talked about it you seemed happy that Bart was coming to meet your family." 

"I was. Now I think I might be making a mistake." Dean' s face drops. 

"Because of the other night?"

"Among other things," Cas admits. 

"What happened the other night?" Cas looks over to find Gabriel leaning in the doorway. Luckily, Dean is a quicker thinker than he is. 

"Nothing," he lies. "I ran into an ex who's engaged now, that's all." Gabe clearly just showed up because he seems to buy it. 

"Eugh. Sorry Dean-o, that's rough."

"Yeah, well. Anyway," he adds, turning back to Cas. "I should head out if Bart's coming, let you do your family thing. Plus, you should probably get changed first." He flashes a quick grin in Cas' direction and Cas frowns down at himself. He'd forgotten about the flour incident after Bart called and Dean's right, he does need to get changed. 

"Bart's coming?" Gabe asks and Cas nods, trying to keep his enthusiasm up. In reality, he's shit-scared that Bart's going to take one look at him and know everything that's happened in the last couple of days. He's going to tell him, it just has to be at the right time and the right time is not as soon as he arrives. 

"Text me if you need anything," Dean offers. "If you need to be rescued you know where I am." He says it like a joke but Cas knows he's being serious. Hopefully, he won't have to be rescued. 

Dean heads out and Cas goes upstairs to change while his brothers get the tree up and into its stand. In the few spare moments he has, Cas tries to collect himself. Less than ten minutes ago, he almost kissed Dean _again_ and now Bart is on his way here. He sighs deeply, staring into the mirror and quietly judging himself. 

When he gets back downstairs, Michael’s vacuuming up the loose needles from the tree. The others, apparently, have gone off to pull the decorations out from the basement. Cas plops down on the couch and tries to think of what he’s going to do when Bart gets here. He was supposed to have a whole other day to sort himself out and now he could be here any minute. 

Bart arrives ten minutes later. Cas sees the cab pull up and he goes out to greet him because he feels obligated to, but his stomach twists uncomfortably. Bart pulls him into a quick hug and kisses the top of his head. 

"I missed you," he smiles but the gesture falls flat. 

"Me too. Do you need a hand with your bags?"

"No, I'm fine. I just have the one."

"Come on then," Cas says, "everyone's inside, I'll introduce you." He relaxes a little as they make their way up to the house - so far Bart can't read his mind. 

Introductions go over well and Cas leaves Bart to chat with his family while he goes to offer his help with dinner. Anna's cooking tonight, but he needs to de-stress and not think about anything for a while. 

"You need any help?" he asks, following her to the kitchen.

"Not really, but I wouldn't turn it down. Thought you'd be out there talking."

Cas shrugs. "I thought I'd give Bart a chance to talk to everyone without my influence and see how things go." 

"Oh, okay." She doesn't seem convinced and Cas doesn't blame here, but he's not about to tell her he's too uncomfortable to be around his own boyfriend since he kissed Dean. Twice. 

He does his best to keep up with Anna in the kitchen, but eventually settles with washing dishes and tidying up behind her. When dinner is almost finished, he gets out the utensils and plates and sets the table while she's finishing up. 

Dinner goes as smoothly as Cas was originally expecting it to; Michael and Bartholomew get along perfectly and everyone else wants to know how they met and where and, more importantly, when the wedding is. Truthfully, they have moved pretty fast, having moved in together after only a few months, but Cas isn't ready to get married. They've talked about it before and Bart knows his feelings on making such a big commitment, so Cas isn't overly pleased when he makes a joke about it to his family. 

He keeps quiet, listening to the utter bullshit he's spouting because he doesn't want to cause a scene the very first time he introduces him. Gabriel is the only one who seems to notice and he quirks an eyebrow in Cas' direction but Cas just shakes his head in a silent prayer not to ask about it. 

All in all, it's not a terrible experience and most of the trouble boils down to Cas' own inner turmoil. He's only seeing the bad in things because it's all he's been thinking about lately; what he needs to do is distance himself from Dean for a little while and try to work on things with Bart - starting with telling him the truth. 

Both of these plans go out the window as soon as they're finished eating dinner. He's just clearing the table when his phone buzzes in his pocket: one new message from Dean. 

_**< < Hey, I know Bart just got in but are you still up for drinks tonight? ** _

_> > I don't know how he'd feel about me leaving him here to go and drink with the hot neighbour. _

_**< < In the spirit of keeping the peace, I'm not gonna point out that you think I'm hot. ** _

_**< < Bring Bart, I'd like to meet him.** _

_> > Do you think that's a good idea?_

_**< < I think we've been through enough that you'd realize I'm not gonna let you date some dude I've never even met. ** _

_**< < Especially one you don’t like talking about.** _

_> > I guess. _

_**< < Ask Bart and let me know?** _

Cas smiles to himself as he types back an affirmation. He'll probably regret it in a couple of hours, but maybe having Dean and Bart in the same place will help him settle his emotions. He bumps into Gabe in an attempt to find Bart and finds himself pulled out into the hallway. 

"So," Gabe starts and Cas knows he's gotten himself into something. "What was with that look at dinner? Trouble in paradise?"

"No," Cas huffs a laugh, "a difference of opinion." When Gabe just lifts his eyebrows further, Cas relents, rolling his eyes. "I don't want to get married and Bart knows that. It's not a big deal, I think he just likes building things up and having something to talk about."

Gabriel doesn't look convinced. "You sure everything's good though?" 

"Yes." Other than the minor infidelity the other night and his sudden realization that maybe he and Bart aren't doing as well as he thought, everything is perfectly fine. 

"So I shouldn't tell you your boyfriend is boring?" 

Cas actually laughs out loud. "Well, I didn't expect you two to get along perfectly."

"He's more Michael's type," they say in unison and Gabriel nods. 

"Yeah," Cas says softly and he expects Gabriel to make a comment about Dean. If he's thinking it, it remains unspoken and Gabe goes back to wherever he was going. 

When he finds Bart, he's still sitting in the dining room chatting happily with Michael and Hannah. At least they're getting along, even if Cas isn't certain about his future with Bart. 

"Hey," he says softly, coming up behind him and resting a hand on Bart's shoulder. "Dean wants to know if we'd get drinks with him tonight?"

"Dean?" he asks, "Is he the one you were hanging out with yesterday?”

"Yes, he's our neighbour."

“I think I saw him when I arrived. He’s hot.”

“So,” Cas asks, “drinks?”

"I'd love to." He suspects that Bart’s motives aren't entirely pure, but then again, he's not one to speak. He smiles down at Bart and rubs his shoulder gently for good measure. 

"I'll let him know."

_> > Bart says yes. Also, for the record, he thinks you're hot._

_**< < So do you, so. ** _

_**< < I'll meet you at the bar at 7?** _

_> > Sounds good, I'll see you then._

Cas puts his phone away and tells Bart he's going to get ready. It'll be the third time he's changed clothes tonight but he wants to wear something nicer if they're going out. When he’s ready, he finds Gabriel to tell him they’re heading out and to ask if they can wait until tomorrow to decorate the tree. Gabriel reluctantly agrees.

Cas and Bart head out as soon as they're both ready to go and Cas' heard pounds all the way to the bar.

\- - - - -

Introducing Dean and Bart goes... less well than it did with the rest of his family. Dean's abrasive right from the start and Cas can only blame him a little because everything he's said to Dean has, to be fair, been a little on the negative side. Bart doesn't seem to notice as much as Cas does, but the night is early and Cas is worried about how it's going to go.

Once they get a couple of drinks in them, Dean and Bart find common ground and Cas sits back and watches. Seeing the two of them together only makes Cas realize that Gabriel was right; Bart is not a good match for him. He thinks back on their relationship and struggles to find a time when they really had something in common that they could share.

Dean on the other hand, well, every one of his memories of Dean is a good one. Still, he keeps coming around to the fact that he was happy with the way things were going until he came home and ran into Dean again. If things were fine before, they will be fine again. At least that’s what he tells himself.

\- - - 

Dean's _wasted_. Cas has seen him drunk more times than he can count, but he's never seen him this bad before. They've been at the bar a couple of hours now and so far things seem to be going well, but the way Dean's drinking says otherwise. When he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, Cas watches after him.

"Is he okay?" Bart asks and Cas nods slowly. He doesn't really know, though; Dean's seemed fine for the past few days and in his experience Dean can hold his liquor, but something seems _off_ about his behaviour tonight. Cas isn't exactly sober himself, but he's way behind Dean and he wants to make sure everything is okay. 

"I'll go check on him. Be right back." He pushes himself up from the table and follows Dean's path to the bathroom. When he pushes the door in, Dean's at the sink with his head down, staring blankly at it. 

"Hey," Cas asks, crossing over to him. "Is everything alright?" He runs a soothing hand up his back and Dean lifts his head to look up at him. 

"I hate seeing you with him," he says. "I can't stand how sad you look when you're with him." He pushes himself up from the counter and closes the few feet of space between them. "Tell me you're happy," he says and Cas just looks down. 

"It's not that simple."

"Yes it is," Dean insists. He pushes closer, slipping his hands under Cas' shirt. "You smile when you're with me. You laugh. I could make you feel incredible if you'd let me." Cas doesn't realize his eyes are shut until Dean's hands slip lower and they flash open again. "I wanna go home with you tonight," he breathes and Cas would give anything to be able to tell him he can. 

"I can't," he whispers, "you know I can't."

"Do you want to?" Dean asks and Cas wants to tell him yes but the door opens behind them and Cas turns toward the sink. 

The stranger is just that, a stranger, but when Cas lifts his head again, Dean is gone. He can still feel the lingering sensation of his hands on him and he turns the tap on and splashes cold water on his face. He leaves the bathroom and lets Bart know he needs some fresh air before heading outside. 

He walks around the corner where he knows no one will find him if they come looking and he leans back against the building with a heavy sigh. If he looks at things objectively, it's easy to know what to do; he wants to be with Dean and lately, it's been harder and harder to pretend he's happy with Bart. But so much of his life is tied up in Bart's and it's not like he's a bad guy. _He's just a bad boyfriend_ , the voice in his head reminds him. It's true. In the past few months Bart has been more and more wrapped up in his work and Cas feels like he lives alone most of the time. And then Dean had to pop back up in his life. 

Dean who is sweet and kind and attentive and actually seems to want to be with him. The answer should be simple, but it's not. 

He considers asking Anael but decides she's probably had enough of his relationship problems and decides against it. He texts her anyway, to see how things are going at home but she doesn't respond and he figures that means things are going well. With a sigh, he tucks his phone away and heads back into the bar. 

Bart is sitting on his own with a fresh pair of drinks in front of him and Cas wants to ask where Dean went, but he doesn't want to be too obvious. It doesn't take him long to realize, anyway. A couple of tables over, Dean's leaning on a chair chatting to some guy and Cas quickly squashes down the rush of jealousy, sitting back down in his own seat. 

"Feeling better?" Bart asks and Cas smiles. 

"Yeah," he lies, "it was getting a little stuffy in here."

"You wanna get going?"

"No, let's stay a little longer."

A little longer turns into a couple of hours and by the time they call a cab to go home, Cas is a lot more drunk than he intended to be. It's Dean's fault, he decides, for saying those things to him and then going off and making out with some other dude in the corner of the bar. But it doesn't matter who Dean goes home with anyway because Cas had a predetermined date from the get-go and Dean's single and free to do what he wants. _Who_ he wants, Cas thinks bitterly. 

The four of them - Cas, Bart, Dean and Dean's new friend - are waiting on the curb and Cas is doing his damndest to pretend he's alone. Bart's curled around his back, kissing his neck and breathing against his skin and all it's doing is making Cas feel trapped. He doesn't pull away because he doesn't want to start an argument and he's too drunk to trust himself to talk right now but he can't stand the thought of Bart touching him. 

A few feet away he can hear Dean laughing and he wants to stab something into his ear just to stop it. He hears a practically purred _I want you to fuck me_ and he can't take it anymore.

"I'm gonna walk," he blurts, pulling sharply away from Bart. "Home. Feel free to catch the cab when it shows up but I need some fresh air." Bart reaches out to pull him back just as the cab shows up and Cas curses under his breath. 

"Come on babe, the cab's right here." 

Cas shakes his head, forcibly ignoring Dean as he slides into the backseat. The ride home is short and Cas is relieved that he didn't walk because once they get there all he wants to do is climb into bed and pass out. 

Bart heads up to bed and Cas drinks some water and takes a couple of painkillers before heading up to join him. When he gets into the bedroom, Bart is naked in bed smirking up at him and Cas doesn't have the heart to tell him he's just not into it tonight. 

He lets Bart fuck him, but he doesn't make any effort to come himself and when he's finished, Bart falls asleep. Cas lies quietly in the cold for a while thinking. Nothing about this night has gone the way he wants it to and now he's wide awake and unsatisfied and questioning everything about his life. 

It doesn't help that all he can think about is Dean and the guy he went home with. He hates to admit that he's jealous, but the thought of Dean with anyone else makes him uncomfortable. It's hypocritical considering he's in bed with someone right now and Dean is single and free to do what he wants with who he wants. Maybe what's really bothering him is that Dean wanted _him_ and still went home with someone else. 

He thinks about what Dean said to him, how soft and earnest he was and he doesn't think it was all entirely because of the alcohol. If he's honest with himself, he knows there is a difference in his relationship with Dean and with Bart - Dean isn't the only one to have picked up on it. There's no denying the way Dean makes him feel, both emotionally and physically, and if he was less invested in his relationship with Bart, he would end it right now. 

The thought hits him hard and he glances over at the man sleeping next to him. He _would_ end things, but the circumstances are more complicated than that. He feels guilty even thinking about Dean with Bart sleeping there and he pushes himself up quietly, sneaking away to the bathroom. 

He wraps a blanket around himself and slips into the hall, quickly shutting the bathroom door behind him. He leans against it and sighs, letting the blanket fall around his feet. Why did Dean have to be the one to answer the door? Why did Cas have to be the one to go over and see him? Why could he not have held off for one more year and stayed in California for Christmas? The longer he thinks about it, the more questions he comes up with and the fewer answers he finds. 

When he lets his mind wander, he always comes back to Dean and as bad as he feels about it, it feels good knowing someone wants him. In all the months they've been together, Bart has never made him feel the way Dean does and for a long time, Cas didn't think it was that unusual. He's never had that fire with anyone and for the most part, he assumed it wasn't something that existed outside of books and movies. Maybe some people find that intensity in real life, but he's not one of them. Or he wasn't. 

Dean does something to him that he never thought he'd feel. He's always been completely faithful to anyone he;s been with - he;s already crossed that line with Dean and while he is still sick with guilt about it, he can't stop thinking about doing it again. He was so close tonight, to doing something he wouldn't come back from. Kissing someone else is one thing and while not great it's a whole other level from what he was thinking about earlier. 

Even now, he can feel the pull of arousal in his gut just thinking about it. Dean is so soft and gentle when they're together, but when he wants something, he doesn’t hesitate to go for it. Cas shuts his eyes, feeling the way Dean's fingers slid across his skin and the sound of his voice, low and husky with lust. 

He thinks about Dean and wheat he's doing now. The thought of him with someone else burns uncomfortable in his chest, but he knows Dean settled tonight. Dean wants _him_ and Cas was stupid enough to let him go home with someone else. He slips a hand up his chest, mimicking the way Dean's hands moved over his skin. He wants to go back, to press Dean up against the wall and kiss him senseless - the thought sends a shiver up his spine and he can practically feel Dean against him. 

His cock twitches against his thigh and he slides his palm down the length, wrapping his fingers around the head. He's cautious at first, just light touches and the faint press of fingers, but he gets hard surprisingly fast and it's hard to hold back. He squeezes around the head, pulling back toward the base and he imagines Dean pressed against him, pulling him closer as he takes Cas' cock in his hands. 

They never got far enough for him to find out personally, but he knows Dean's good in bed. If he fucks anything like how he kisses, he has to be, and Cas has never wanted to find out more than he does now. He thinks back to the first night, the warm press of Dean's lips against his and the way he touched him, fingers running up the length of his cock. If he was back in that alley right now, he doesn't think he'd have the same restraint. 

He squeezes the head of his cock, rubbing his thumb over the head and his knees tremble under him. He lets out a soft groan and pushes his hips into the touch. He just has sex an hour ago, but he hasn't been this turned on by _anyone_ in a long damn time. Just thinking about Dean gets him worked up and he lets his fantasy play out, thinking back to earlier in the evening. He wants to kiss him until they're both panting, and he knows if he has the chance, he could make Dean feel incredible, too. 

He'd get him hard without even touching him, and when Dean's whimpering under him, he'd finally relent, sliding a hand into his pants and jerking him slowly. His own cock jerks under his touch and he has to steady himself to keep from coming too quickly. 

His fantasy devolves as he works himself closer to the edge and he wants more. He thinks about Dean finding him like this and he's overwhelmed by a wave of arousal; he'd let him watch and if he was lucky, Dean would join him. Cas slips a hand back behind his balls. He's still slick and his fingers slip easily inside himself. It feels good, but it's the thought of Dean touching him like that that really pushes him over the edge. 

He comes with a stifled groan, doubling over on himself. He continues to stroke himself through it, letting his body relax back against the door. It takes him a minute to catch his breath again and he slides down to the floor and bangs his head against the door. _Holy shit_. If sex with Dean is anything like that, it just might be worth it. 

When he's settled down and caught his breath again, he cleans up quickly and wraps himself back in his blanket and heads back to bed. Bart is still asleep and when Cas looks down at him, the only thing he feels is guilt. Even if whatever he's feeling for Dean is real, he should still feel _something_ for Bart, especially after they've been together for so long. Before climbing back into bed, he pulls his phone from the nightstand and considers sending a message to Anael, but thinks better of it. He'll talk to her tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas wakes up to a pounding headache and an empty bed. His phone buzzes next to his head and instinctively, he picks it up to shut off his alarm. When he looks at it, he realizes it's Dean and rethinks his plan. He opens the message and smiles to himself as he reads them.

_**< < I feel like fucking shit this morning. ** _

_**< < Hope you're feeling better than I am, how was your night?** _

_> > Shitty. You?_

_**< < Not great. Buddy didn't appreciate when I forgot his name.** _

Cas actually laughs out loud and has to stifle the sound to keep from drawing attention to himself. He's about to type out a response when Dean texts him again. 

_**< < He liked me even less when I called him the wrong name.** _

Cas immediately thinks he called him _his_ name and he wants to make a joke about it, but he doesn't get the chance. Just as he's about to text him back, Bart comes out of the bathroom and falls back into bed with a groan. 

"Morning," he mumbles. "You look cheery this morning." It feels like a jab and after Cas' lack of enthusiasm last night and he can't totally blame him. 

"I take it you're not feeling great."

Bart just grumbles in response and pulls the blankets back over himself, rolling to face the window. That's fine with Cas. He climbs out of bed and gets dressed quickly before making his way downstairs. The house is still quiet and Cas sneaks into the kitchen to make breakfast. He hasn't been around as much as he wants to be and he feels bad, so he's going to make up for it starting with breakfast. 

He starts with coffee because God knows the Novak family runs on it, and he could definitely use it this morning. He starts cutting bread for french toast and he's just gotten everything together and started on the egg mixture when Anael shuffles into the kitchen and slumps in the corner of the table. Without skipping a beat, Cas makes her a mug of coffee and slides it in front of her. 

"God you're up early," she scowls, taking the mug and sipping from it. 

"Didn't sleep well," Cas shrugs. 

"You're having a shitty time with this Dean thing, aren't you?"

"It's not great," he replies honestly, returning to the half-finished mixture 

"You wanna talk about it?"

"This isn't exactly the best time or place." 

She nods slowly, understanding as she drinks her coffee . "Tell me about your night?"

"Also probably a bad idea."

"Okay," she says slowly. "Can I help at all?"

"You can keep me company while I cook."

"I can do that."

Anael proves to be a good cooking companion because she manages to keep his mind off of things, even when he can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket. He wants to talk to Dean but he knows he shouldn't and right now he'd be glad if Bart just stayed in bed all day. Already, he's going to have to sit through dinner with Bart’s family tonight and he doesn't know how he's going to manage that. 

He decides he does want to talk to Anael just as Michael and Anna come downstairs. Later, he tells himself. He directs Michael and Anna to the table and gets them both coffee, sliding cream and sugar onto the table with it. 

"What's all this about?" Michael asks. Cas just shrugs. 

By the time he finishes making breakfast and gets everything out on the table, everyone is downstairs except Bart and Cas doesn't have the energy to go up and get him. Thankfully, no one mentions it. They're all sleepy and Cas is massively hungover, but it's the best time he's had with his family so far this holiday and he's wishing he'd left Bart at home and let him work all Christmas like he probably wants to. They'd probably both be happier. 

After breakfast, Cas attempts to tidy up but he's promptly shuffled into the living room to relax. Anael joins him and she flips through channels to find them something to watch. She settles on Christmas cartoons and leans back against Cas, resting her head on his shoulder. 

"So," she says quietly, "you wanna tell me what's bugging you because you just left your boyfriend upstairs all breakfast and your phone has been going off all morning."

"Is it horrible that I just don't want to be around him at all right now?"

"No," Anael says. "Sometimes we just need time to ourselves - or time with someone else?"

A faint smile tugs at his lips because he knows what she's getting at. "It's more than just that. I don't-" he starts, but doesn't know where to go with it other than to be straightforward. "I don't think I love him anymore. I'm dreading going home because it's just going to be more of the same and I just- I don't want any of that anymore."

"You don't have to stay with him just because you feel obligated or something. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I just- I don't know."

"It's okay to fall out of love with someone. Every time we talk it seems to be something going wrong and I think you're trying to force something that's just not working anymore."

"I just don't want to make a mess of things at Christmas."

"You couldn't," Anael smiles, wiggling against him. "All of us here, we're happy just to have you here."

"Me too."

"So," she asks, "are you gonna just ignore Dean all morning or-?"

Cas chuckles softly and pulls his phone out of his pajamas pocket. There are a few unread messages from Dean, mostly detailing his morning and how Sam woke him up and forced him to help with breakfast despite him feeling like shit. 

_> > I made breakfast too. What are you having?_

_**< < Some brunch casserole thing? Idk it's one of Ruby's family's recipes. ** _

_**< < It's good, but it's a hell of a lot to do first thing in the morning.** _

_> > Any plans for the day?_

_**< < We're heading out to the market in the afternoon. Ruby has never been and Sam thinks that's a tagedy.** _

_> > It is. _

_> > I wish I could go with you._

_**< < Why don't you?** _

_> > I want to spend more time with my family while I'm here. I feel like I'm neglecting them. _

_**< < Bring them. The more the merrier, right?** _

Cas wants to tell him that he thinks it's a bad idea, but he has to watch what he says around Dean. Instead, he finds himself asking Anael what she thinks about it. Gabriel walks in just as he's asking and he flops down on the chair next to them. 

"Hell yeah, I love the Christmas market."

"Well I guess that's your answer," Anael grins. "You gonna ask Bart?"

"Yeah, I am. I'll see what he says." He slips out from behind Anael and grudgingly heads upstairs. When he gets there, he's unsurprised to find Bart on his phone and he very nearly turns back around, but Bart spots him. He makes a sympathetic face and points to the phone with a mouthed _sorry_ , but Cas is over it. HE ahskes his head and sighs, leaning against the wall to wait. 

The phone call takes another ten minutes and when Bart hangs up he crosses over to Cas. "What's up babe?"

"I thought you weren't going to work while we were here?"

"It was just a quick call, Jackson needed to know where I left the Carver file."

"I don't care what they needed, you promised you would take a break for one week."

"Cas," he rolls his eyes exasperated. "This is my job, my life."

"Yeah, I get that, but you _promised_. It's one week, it's not that long." He's tempted to end things right then and there because he knows it's not going to get better if he's the only one trying. And right now, he's not trying either. 

"What do you say we get lunch today?" Bart asks. "Just you and me?"

"We're going into town. There's a Christmas market this week and we want to check it out. You're welcome to come if you want." He's irritated and he's not bothering to hide it, not that he thinks it would help at this point. 

Bart doesn't come downstairs all morning and Cas suspects it's because he's working. Fine. If his work is that important to him, he can have it, but he's going to find himself alone in the end. Cas doesn’t even bother to call him down when they decorate the tree.

\- - - - -

While the rest of them are getting ready to go to the market, Cas finds himself slumped in the living room, mindlessly watching the yule log on TV. Gabriel finds him there and shoves him over so he can sit next to him.

"So," he says. "Our sister is worried about you."

"I know."

"So you want to tell me what's going on with you and Dean?"

"Nothing's going on." He lies but Gabriel just laughs at him. 

"Cas I am not that stupid. I've known you since before you could talk, you can't lie to me." 

"I don't know. I like to think I'm stronger than that, but I kissed him so maybe not." 

To Gabriel’s credit, he doesn’t comment on that. "And what about Bart?" 

"I don't want to talk about him right now."

"Oof, that bad?"

"He's upstairs on a work call," Cas sighs. "I just want to go out and have a good time and not think about him right now."

Gabe wraps an arm around his shoulder. "Then we won't."

Gabriel is true to his word and as soon as they get out of the house, Cas is feeling better. Bart heads out to his parents' house claiming a family emergency, but Cas is pretty sure he just wants to work without interruption. Michael doesn't mention his lack of presence and so Cas doesn't feel the need to justify it. 

The market is beautiful and there's a thin layer of snow on the ground that only adds to the Christmassey effect. They start with hot chocolate and cinnamon buns because Gabriel insists and Cas is willing to go along with whatever they want to do. It feels good to be out of the house and in the fresh air. There's a constant stream of Christmas carols and it smells fantastic everywhere they go. They're stopping every couple of minutes because someone runs into someone they know, but Cas is really enjoying himself. 

When Anael gets tired, Cas is more than happy to stop and sit with her. There's a manmade rink in the center of the market and they sit at the side, watching the people skating. There are couples skating and parents with young kids, people of all ages, and it reminds Cas of when he was a kid and his siblings took him out skating for the first time. He's not any better now than he was then. He's caught up in watching and doesn't realize when someone comes up behind him. 

"Hey," Dean grins, brushing a hand along his shoulder as he comes to sit down next to him. "You lost a couple people."

"You too," Cas smiles. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Anael smiling at him, pretending not to be paying attention. 

"They're getting lunch. I still feel like shit."

"You were _really_ drunk last night." Dean raises his eyebrows thoughtfully, but he doesn't say anything. "You should eat something, you'll feel better."

"I had casserole this morning," Dean shrugs and Cas doesn't believe him. When he looks over to call him on it, he pauses. Looking at Dean, he has to wonder what the hell he was thinking all those years that he never said anything to Dean before because even hungover as hell, he’s beautiful. It catches him off guard and he would give anything today to be able to tell him how he feels now. 

As if she can read his mind, Anael suddenly gets up. "I'm gonna go find the boys and Anna, can I just borrow Dean for five seconds first?" Cas gives her a suspicious look, but Dean stands up with a shrug in Cas’ direction, and follows after her. 

Cas tries to keep his mind off of it, but when Dean comes back flushed and rubbing the back of his neck, he knows something's up. 

"Are you going to tell me what she said?"

Dean shakes his head. "Nope."

"Alright. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. We always seem to get into trouble when no one else is around." Cas doesn't say that maybe he wants to get into trouble. Instead, he leads Dean further into the market, wandering through the stalls. 

By the time they find their families again, everyone has grouped together and they're listening to a group of carolers. Dean slips in with them, but Cas' phone rings and he excuses himself. If it's not Bart calling to apologize, he's going to be pissed. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me." So far, no apology, so not a great start. "Can we switch dinners?" Bart asks and Cas very nearly tells him he's not in a place to be asking favours but he hears him out. "My sister's flight didn't make it in, can we do dinner with your family tonight?"

"Yeah, probably," Cas sighs. "I'll talk to Anael and get back to you. We're just in the middle of something right now." He doesn't give Bart a chance to respond before hanging up. Dean's watching him when he turns back to the group, his expression somewhere between furious and sympathetic. Cas shakes his head silently, meeting his eyes and Dean seems to understand. 

"Anael?" Cas asks. She turns to him with a smile and Cas sighs. "Do you think we can do dinner tonight? Apparently Bart's sister never got in and his family wants to do dinner tomorrow instead."

"Yeah, we can do that. You sure you want to?"

"As long as it's not an inconvenience, I'd like to keep the peace as long as possible."

"Okay. We'll figure something out."

"I think I'm gonna head out, if that's okay?" Cas asks. "I just- I'm not feeling great and I don't want to bring everyone down. Have fun, I'll see you guys at home."

"Let me drive you," Dean offers and Cas knows he should turn him down. A walk would do him good and he doesn't need to spend any more time alone with Dean than he has to. Not if he wants to make it through the holidays without doing something incrredbly stupid. Before he finishes deciding to say no, he's already accepted the offer. 

Dean takes him back to the parking lot and he stops short of getting in the car. "He doesn't deserve you, you know that right." Cas nods weakly and Dean exhales, running a hand through his hair. "He's a fucking moron Cas, don't let yourself believe that this is what you deserve just because he can't be bothered to think of anyone but himself for once."

Cas is dumbfounded and he doesn't kiss Dean right there in the middle of the parking lot, but it's a near miss. He's spent countless hours thinking about the back seat of that car and right now he's tempted to push Dean in and just see what happens. 

"Cas?" Dean asks and Cas just looks away. "Hey. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." He reaches out, curling his fingers around Cas' wrist and Cas lets himself be pulled into him. They stay wrapped around each other for too long and when Cas pulls away, he can't bring himself to look at Dean. 

"Do you think we could not go home?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere."

Dean drives him around for a little while and Cas stares blankly out the window. Dean lets him keep quiet, making no attempt to start a conversation or fill the empty air and Cas appreciates it immensely. When it starts to snow harder they stop for a while and Cas leans back against his seat, shutting his eyes. He doesn't want to go back, but he doesn't want to get stuck out here in the snow, either. 

Dean makes the decision for him. "I gotta head back," he says, "but if you don't want to stay, we don't have to." Cas nods along with him and they make their way back home. 

There's no one home when they get there and Cas isn't ready to be stuck inside again - alone or otherwise. He sends off a quick text to Anael, offering to pay for dinner and they can order in. He doesn't want to leave her and the others to make dinner when he can't even bring himself to stick around. 

"Remember when our moms would bundle us all up and we'd drive around and look at all the decorated house?"

Cas huffs softly. "Yeah, I remember."

"You want to come for a walk, look at some houses?"

Cas smiles. "Yeah, that sounds good." He shoves his hands in his pockets and Dean leads the way as they head down the street. 

Cas feels nauseous as they walk the familiar streets and he knows it's because of Dean and Bart and not knowing what he's going to do. He wants to leave Bart, but now that he's here with Dean, he wishes he'd already done it. Dean's got his arms at his sides and Cas can't help thinking how easy it would be to reach over and slip his fingers between Dean's. It quickly becomes the only thing he can think about, so he jams his hands deeper into his pockets and chews on the inside of his lip. 

“How’s Christmas with the little one?” he asks, trying to distract himself.

"Good,” Dean laughs, “but she gets into everything." Cas stops suddenly and Dean keeps talking until he realizes he's walking alone. He turns around and as soon as he looks at Cas, Cas' resolve crumbles. 

"I don't think I love Bart anymore,” he blurts, “ I think I'm making a mistake staying with him." Dean stares silently for a moment before taking a step in Cas' direction. 

"Can I say something?" Cas nods. "I think you're right, and not just because of whatever this is," he gestures between them and Cas nods again. "If you want my opinion, Bart doesn't care about anything but himself. Look, all I have to go on is what you've told me and the one night we spent with him, but I want you to be happy and with Bart, you're not happy."

Cas just stares at him for a moment, reminding himself of all the reasons he can't just walk up to him and kiss him. None of them seem to matter right now and he’s about to do exactly that when a car drives by and honks, interrupting. Cas realizes what he's doing and just how close he is to Dean and he takes a step back, swallowing hard. 

"We should-" he starts and Dean nods.

"Yeah, let's go back."

\- - - - -

When they get back, Cas is dreading going inside. He doesn't tell Dean how badly he wants to be anywhere but here because he doesn't want to make him feel guilty or obligated. They say a quick goodbye outside and Dean reminds him that he's around if Cas needs him. Cas thanks him again and watches as Dean heads inside. He hesitates for a moment, rehearsing what he's going to say before heading in.

Everyone is in the dining room already and Cas walks in awkwardly, taking the empty seat between Bart and Gabriel.

"Sorry I'm late, I was walking home."

"How come?" Bart asks and Cas chooses his words carefully.

"Dean and I were just walking," he says and Bart nods thoughtfully.

Dinner is good and Cas has to remember to thank Anael for pulling everything together so well, but he spends the whole time contemplating things. There are two things he knows now for sure: firstly, he doesn't want to be with Bart anymore and secondly, he _does_ want to be with Dean. 

The only problem comes with trying to figure out how to go about things. The easiest, most painless way to go about leaving Bart is to wait until they're back home. No one wants to be broken up with at Christmas and Cas doesn't want to cause a scene. The only problem with waiting is that he'll be back home, likely homeless, and 1500 miles away from Dean. Either way, he still has a couple of days to think about it; maybe he can discuss with Dean and see how he feels about the whole thing. If he can just stick to the plan, everything will be okay. 

But after dinner, his entire plan is shot to hell. 

The entire family gathers in the living room and Cas is sipping his eggnog when he realizes Bart isn't around. He doesn't worry too much about it because he's enjoying listening to the movie that's playing, even if he's not watching it. When Bart does come back to join them, Cas immediately senses that something is off. Bart walks right over to him and Cas looks to his siblings for some sort of answer, but if anyone else knows what's happening, they hide it well. Bart comes right over and takes the glass out of his hand before pulling him up to his feet. 

"I know things haven't been perfect lately," he says and Cas' heart sinks because whatever is coming, he doesn't think he's going to like it. And he really doesn’t want to talk about it in front of his family. "I love you," he says, "and I want you to be with me forever." Bart doesn't seem to notice the way Cas looks at him skeptically and he just keeps talking. 

"Cas," he says, "will you marry me?"

Cas freezes and his mind goes completely blank. He knows he's staring, but he can't even bring himself to move. Bart knows he doesn't want to get married and if he knows things aren't perfect with them, he should know this is the _worst_ time to ask. 

He doesn't know what to do or say and when he glances around the room everyone is looking at him. At least two of the people in this room know he doesn't want to be with Bart anymore and Cas isn't sure whether to feel badly for Bart or for himself because there's no way this can be a genuine proposal. Either Bart knows something about Cas and Dean or he's making a desperate attempt to fix their relationship before it completely falls apart. Cas isn't sure he wants to know which. 

When he finally remembers to speak again, he apparently loses control of his mouth. "I have to go," is all he says before he's pushing past Bart and into the hallway. He slips his shoes on and he's out the door without a jacket, but it's not as if he's thinking clearly. 

And just what the hell did Bart think he was going to say? He _knows_ Cas doesn't want to get married - not now, at least - and who thinks proposing in the middle of a rough patch is a good idea? 

He's angry and upset and confused and he can't sort through any of it so he just keeps walking. It's not until his phone buzzes against his thigh, sharply drawing him back to the present, that he stops moving. He very nearly doesn't check it because it's probably just Bart asking where he is or something, but it might be one of his siblings so he probably should. There's only one message and it's from Dean.

_**< < Gabe just called looking for you, is everything okay?** _

_> > Fine._

_**< < Yeah, that doesn't sound fine. What's up?** _

_> > Bart asked me to marry him. _

There's a long pause. Cas can hardly blame him.

**_< < He what?_ **

**_< < Last time we talked I thought you said you weren't in love with him anymore._ **

>> I'm not. 

>> I don't think I am.

>> I don't know.

**< < Where are you?**

Cas looks around him for the first time since he left. He doesn't remember walking this far and a quick time check tells him he's been gone twenty minutes already. 

_> > Few blocks away. Michigan._

Cas sighs, dropping his arms to his sides. He's been trying so damn hard to hold everything together and little pieces just keep breaking away. When Dean asks _**do you want me to come meet you?**_ the last of his resolve crumbles. 

_> > Yes. _

_**< < Meet me at the park?** _

_> > Yeah. I'll be there in a minute._

He doesn't realize how cold he is until he doesn't have Dean's company to distract him. As soon as he starts to walk again, the wind picks up - a not-so-gentle reminder that he left home without a coat. When he gets to the park Dean's sitting on the swings, but as soon as he sees Cas he rises to his feet and hurries over to him. 

"Idiot," he mumbles, "why aren't you wearing a coat?"

"I left in a hurry," Cas mumbles. Dean shrugs out of his jacket and pulls it around Cas' shoulders, rubbing his arms. 

"Wanna tell me what happened?"

"Bart proposed."

"And?" Dean prompts. Cas just looks at him blankly. "What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"You said nothing?" Cas hesitates. This is the worst possible time to tell Dean that _he_ was the first thing he thought of when Bart asked him, but he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't even know where to start. Dean slides a hand down his arm tugging Cas to face him. "Talk to me."

"I don't want to get married," he sighs, "not to him. Not now."

"I know. What _do_ you want?" 

Cas frowns slightly. "I don't know. I never thought about it."

"What do you mean you never thought about it? Didn't you guys ever talk about the future?"

"He was gone so often we barely had a present, never mind trying to figure out what comes next. All I knew was that I didn't want to stay like that and I didn't want to marry him." 

"Cas, you realize that's really shitty, right?"

"Yes," Cas sighs, "I know our relationship had problems, and I know we should have talked more, but lately it's not that that I've been worried about." He knows he's said too much and Dean is bound to ask about it - he would too. 

"If that's not the worst of it, I hate to think what he was like to live with."

"Not what I meant," Cas says, "living with him was more like living alone most of the time."

"I know this is rough for you and I'm sorry, but maybe it's for the best?"

Cas huffs a humourless laugh. "Dean, that's not what I was worrying about. Bart's been absent our whole relationship, that's nothing new. The problem is when he asked me," he pauses, gauging Dean's reaction. "When he asked me the first thing I thought of was you."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Cas exhales. "I've been happier in this past week with you than I have been in months back at home."

"You don't have to tell him that. Just tell him you're unhappy. If you don't want to marry Bart, don't. You deserve someone who makes you happy every single day." Dean almost seems sad as looks at him and Cas sighs. 

"Be honest, do you think we made a mistake? Everyone else seems to think so."

"Honestly? Yeah I do."

" _Fuck_ ," Cas mumbles. Typical of him to fuck things up, even in the past. 

"Listen to me," Dean says softly, "it won't always be this hard. You'll find someone who treats you better, you'll be happy." Cas turns away but Dean slips a hand over his cheek and turns him back to face him. Cas can't find the words to say what he wants to; that Dean treats him better, makes him happy. When Dean leans in to kiss him, Cas makes no attempt to stop him. 

It's the exact opposite of last time; Dean is slow and tender and when he pulls back, Cas surges forward. It's been less than an hour since Bart proposed and already he's kissing someone else. No wonder this relationship is such a disaster. He doesn't realize how close they are until Dean pulls away. Their hands still bump against each other and Cas looks down at their feet, trying not to smile. Dean's wearing a similar expression when he looks up at him and Cas huffs a soft laugh. 

"We should probably get you home," Dean whispers. "Let your family know you haven't run away."

"I don't want to go back," Cas sighs. "I'd rather be here with you."

"You can't stay out here, you're freezing. I'll take you home and you can text me whenever. I'll be up if you need me."

“Okay,” Cas relents, but he pulls Dean back against him, kissing him softly again before pulling away. He stops just short of slipping his fingers between Dean's as they walk. If there's one thing he knows for sure it's that he and Dean definitely made a mistake never taking things further than they did. 

By the time he gets back to the house, his stomach is in knots again and everything Dean did to calm him down has been completely undone. 

"Tell me how it goes," Dean says and Cas nods as they separate, making their way up to their respective houses. 

Cas pushes the front door open and ignores whatever is happening in the living room because right now he can only deal with one problem at a time. He heads up to his room and when he gets there, the door is open and Bart is packing. He closes his eyes for a second before walking in. 

"You're leaving," he says simply and Bart turns to scowl at him. 

"Yeah," he scoffs, "you made me look like an idiot back there."

"What was I supposed to say?" Cas asks and the words are barely out of his mouth before Bart turns on him. 

"Yes?" He says and Cas can feel the walls falling down around him. 

"Bart you know I don't want to get married, you know I'm not ready for that. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, but-"

"You're sorry?" He laughs. "Cas I asked you to marry me and you ran right to Dean."

"He's my _friend_ , Bart. I was upset and he was there for me. Where were you?"

"Don't put this on me. You embarrassed me in front of your whole family."

"I never said I wanted this. In fact, I remember specifically telling you I _don't_ want this." Cas inhales deeply. "Getting married isn't' going to save this relationship, Bart."

"You're fucking him, aren't you?"

"No," Cas rolls his eyes, considering. "I kissed him, though, so if you're gonna blame me for something, at least blame me for something I actually did." 

"You kissed him?"

"Yeah. You want to know why? In two days, Dean made me feel more wanted than you have in _months_." He's irritated and he doesn't care anymore and he just wants to get this over with so they can both go on with their lives. Apparently, Bart feels the same. 

He stares at him, shaking his head slowly. "Well I guess that's it, then." He grabs the last few things he has around the room and shoves them into his bag before hauling it off the bed and storming away. Cas doesn't know what to say. He doesn't even know how to react. 

Bart has been gone for more than ten minutes before Cas moves. He crosses over to the bed and sits down mechanically, pulling his phone out and setting it on the bed next to him. He feels like he should be devastated, but he's not. Instead, he just feels sort of empty. The sound of his phone startles him and he looks down to find a new message from Dean. 

**_< < Heard the car pull out. How'd things go?_ ** __

_> > Not as well as they could have. He acted like he was doing me a favour by proposing._

_**< < Wow.** _

_> > Yeah. He's gone now. Probably went to stay with his parents. _

_**< < You okay?** _

_> > I'm fine._

_> > I just feel like I fucked up. _

_**< < You did what was best for you. Sometimes that's just what you have to do.** _

_> > I don't mean with Bart, I mean this trip, Christmas._

_**< < Hey, don't worry about that. Your family will understand. They love you, Cas. They want you to be happy just like I do. ** _

_> > Yeah, I guess._

Cas sets his phone down, flopping backward onto the bed. This was supposed to be a good trip and now he's going to have to admit to his family not only that Bart left him, but also that they're going to have to change their Christmas Eve plans - the day before. He runs it through in his head, trying to figure out what he's going to say to them and when he's finally exhausted himself, he sneaks down into the kitchen to find a bottle of whiskey. 

The worst part is that he feels like he can't have what he wants. Dean is right next door and Cas just wants to be with him, but it feels wrong and he can't shake that feeling. When he really thinks about it, he feels worse about not being with Dean than he does about his entire relationship with Bart falling apart. 

Pulling the bottle from the cupboard, Cas sneaks back up to his bedroom. Dean hasn't replied in a little while so Cas curls up in bed with just the lamp on, staring blankly at his wall. He's finally considering going to sleep when there's a tap at the window. He frowns at it at first, assuming he's hearing things, but then it comes again. 

He hauls himself up off the bed and crosses to the window, bottle in hand, and pushes back the curtain. Dean is sitting there, grinning at him through the window and as he gestures for Cas to open it, Cas can't help but smile to himself.

"What are you doing?" he asks, pulling the window open so Dean can climb through.

"I used to climb through your window all the time. And I figured you could use the company tonight," he says, eyeing the bottle in Cas' hand.

"Yeah," Cas admits. He shuts the window and pulls the blinds back over it before returning to his bed and shuffling to one side so Dean can join him. He offers the bottle and Dean takes a swig before frowning down at t and handing it back. 

"I'm sorry about Bart. I'm sorry if I had anything to do with that."

"Don't be. You were right about him. I deserve better."

"You do," Dean says emphatically. 

Cas groans as he rubs his forehead. "I just wish this had all happened six months ago. Or next week. Any time but at Christmas."

They drink together in the dim light and for the most part Cas manages to evade Dean's questioning. It's not until the bottle is visibly emptier that he starts to let go a little more. 

"What am I gonna do when I go home?" 

"Finding a new place shouldn't be that hard."

"I might not have a job. Bart got me that job, the owner of the place is a friend of his. Best case scenario they pressure me into quitting and then what? I have no job, no house, no money. I'm a mess."

"You're not a mess," Dean says softly, "you're perfect."

Cas looks up to meet his gaze. "Far from it." He slouches further down the bed, looking up at Dean. "It used to be so simple. Why couldn't we have just... figured it out."

"Doesn't work that way."

"It should."

"Yeah," Dean huffs, "it should. You know I'm here for you though, right?"

"Yeah," Cas smiles softly, "thanks for that."

"My pleasure, man. You've been through some rough times with me, I figure I owe you." 

"You've been through a lot with me, too, Dean."

Dean just shrugs. "Guess we're better together." He settles back against the bed, crossing his arms behind his head. "Do you ever think about the old days?" he asks. 

"Yeah," Cas says, "sometimes."

"I miss seeing you every day. I miss seeing Sam every day. Topeka is great and it's close to home, but visiting Mom and dad isn't the same as it used to be."

Cas feels bad; he's been so worked up with his own problems and his feelings for Dean that he hasn't stopped to ask Dean about himself. God, he's a jerk. 

"I'm sorry," he says, "I've been so focused on this thing with Bart, I never had a chance to ask about you."

"It's all good," Dean smiles. "Honestly, things haven't been great. Not bad, but y'know, not anything interesting. I've just been working, thinking about going back to school. Honestly, I was having a pretty shitty week until you showed up." Cas smiles to himself and Dean looks up at him. "I know things are shitty right now, but they'll get better."

"I hope so. At this point they can't get much worse."

"Hey, it'll be okay, you'll be better off without him anyway."

"It's not Bart I'm worried about- why are we talking about me again?"

Dean chuckles lightly. "Because my life isn't interesting. If It's not Bart, what's bothering you so much because you've seemed upset all night."

"It's just... this is the first time I've been home for Christmas in years and it was supposed to be a good trip," he runs a hand over his face. "The last thing I wanted to do was make a mess of things like this."

"Cas, you didn't make a mess of anything. You've been trying to keep things together and to be fair, I'm sure I haven't been making that easy. All you did was not want to get married. No one's gonna hold that against you, least of all your family." Cas shrugs it off and makes a noncommittal sound. Dean gives him a look. "Look, if you can find me someone who loves their brother more than Anael loves you, then you can worry."

He can't help the smile that creeps onto his face and he wants to remind Dean that he loves Sam more than anything, but he likes the little smug grin that Dean gives him. 

"C'mere," Dean says, sliding his hand up Cas' arm and nodding for him to come closer. Cas doesn't hesitate, sliding down the bed and effectively into Dean's arms. He rests his head against Dean's shoulder, humming softly. 

If he's honest with himself, he misses Dean too. Sometimes, their relationship was frustrating and more than once Cas helped Dean get together with someone else, but it was still good. More than anything, he misses having someone to talk to. He's not particularly close to anyone back home right now and while he has a few friends at work, none of them are like Dean. 

Dean tips his head down and Cas shuts his eyes, breathing deeply. Now that he's calmed down a little, he realizes just how tired he is and Dean is soft and warm under him. He settles against him and when he turns his head, he can hear the faint sound of Dean's breath against his hair. 

When he tips his head back, Dean meets him halfway lips brushing just faintly against his own.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas wakes up and feels immediately guilty again. He grumbles to himself and rolls over to press his face into the pillow. There's a soft groan of disapproval next to him and an arm drapes over his waist, pulling him closer. 

"'S too early to be up," Dean mumbles. "You can worry later." He shifts so he's pressed up against his side and presses his nose into Cas' neck. It doesn't help with the anxiety at all, but it does make him feel a little better.

He still can't shut off his brain and the only thing he can think of is kissing Dean last night. It shouldn't have happened. He's been single for less than twenty-four hours and he shouldn't be thinking about anyone else, much less kissing him. Or sharing a bed with him, but that was unintentional. Mostly. 

Dean grumbles at him again and Cas lets himself be pulled closer. He shuts his eyes, trying not to think. He focuses on Dean against him and he eventually drifts off again. 

When he does get up again, Dean is gone and Cas can't help but feel a little disappointed, as much as he feels guilty about it. The whole thing is a disaster and he should be less worried about Dean and more worried about his family and what he's going to say to them when he finally drags himself out of bed. None of that stops his stomach from doing a little flip-flop when Dean comes in with a tray of food for them. 

"Hey," he grins, kicking the door shut behind him. "I brought breakfast. I told Mike you were having a crappy morning so they made you up a tray."

Cas' heart sinks a little because he doesn't deserve this. He's making a mess of things, the last thing he deserves is for his siblings to go out of their way to accommodate him. 

"He shouldn't have."

"Why?" Dean asks, "because you're 'ruining Christmas'? Cas, having shitty taste in men doesn't ruin anything for anyone. Except maybe your sex life."

"Yeah," Cas groans. Dean looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. He sits down on the end of the bed and sets the tray down between them. 

"Hey. Eat your breakfast, we'll figure things out, remember?"

"Right," Cas says. "Of course." He doesn't believe it, but Dean is so optimistic that he doesn't have the heart to tell him the truth. 

All he can think about is how he's going to tell his family that Bart left him two days before Christmas. He tries to figure out how to phrase it, but it doesn't really matter; however you twist it, Cas is alone and all his - and more importantly, his family's - plans for Christmas have been ruined. 

When Dean leaves after breakfast, Cas walks him down to the front door and tries to sneak back upstairs, but Gabriel catches him. He plops himself on the stairs so Cas can't get past and he lets his arms fall to his sides.

"How you doin'?" Gabe asks. Cas just gives him a look. "Ah, that good. What happened last night?"

"I-" he falters. Gabe gives him a look and Cas knows what's coming before it comes out of his mouth. 

"You didn't want to marry Bart because you're actually in love with someone else? Someone who just walked out that door?"

"Gabriel," Cas warns, but he doesn't really have a defense because if he's honest, Gabe's pretty close. 

"Yeah, I kinda thought so."

"It's not like that."

"Dean's been sneaking in since you guys were eight and you thought I wouldn't hear him? And he stayed all night."

"He was just trying to help." 

"I know he was, that's my point." Gabe smiles up at him. "But what do I know right? Kali and I are barely holding things together. Do you know what you're gonna do?"

"Well, Bart didn't give me much of a choice. "

Gabe's face falls and Cas can't look at him. "Oh Cas, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. I just don't know what we're going to do tomorrow now because-"

"Hey, that's not important. Are _you_ okay?"

"I'm fine. You were right, I don't want to marry Bart. I didn't want things to end now or the way they did, but I didn't want to be with him anymore."

"So this is... a good thing?" Gabe asks hopefully, grinning at him.

"I guess."

"And yet you still look like someone kicked your puppy."

"It's nothing," Cas says and Gabe gives him a look. Cas knows that he doesn't believe him; Gabe thinks this is all about Dean and he's not entirely wrong, to be fair. That's a subject Cas isn't quite ready to face yet, though. He's not upset about the breakup and he's staying remarkably calm for having his whole Christmas plans turned upside down. Dean is something else altogether. 

There's no doubt that there is something between them and Dean has made it blatantly obvious that he's interested, but Cas feels bad about it. He could have Dean if he wanted, all he would have to do is tell him that he feels the same, but it's only been twelve hours since Bart left and the idea of getting together with someone else leaves a bad taste in his mouth. It shouldn't, maybe, but it does. 

It's not like Bart would care - at this point Cas is putting bets on him finding someone else within the month. Bart's smart and attractive and at first, he comes off like a great catch, it won't take him long to find someone else, so why shouldn't Cas? 

"You gonna tell the others?" Gabe asks and Cas realizes he must have been gapping out. 

"Uh, yeah. I just don't know how."

"Want me to come with you?"

Cas groans, but declines. He's an adult, the least he can do is face his siblings when things don't go as planned. Gabe still goes with him into the dining room where the rest of the family is still sitting, and he plops himself down at the table while Cas shifts awkwardly in the doorway. 

"Hey," Anael says gently. "I take it things didn't go well last night?"

"No," Cas admits. "You saw him leave?" She nods and Anna gives him a sympathetic look. "It's okay. I'm fine with it. Relieved, maybe. I don't know what we're going to do about tomorrow though."

His siblings share a look before Anael addresses him directly. "Cas, no one cares about that. In the last six months, this is the happiest I've seen you. If all we have to give up is organized plans for your happiness, I'd say we're still doing pretty damn well."

"She's right," Anna pipes up. "I may not know you as well as these three do, but I don't think I've seen you this happy since we've known each other and I get the feeling it has nothing to do with Bart." 

She's right. Both of them are right and Cas ducks his head to keep them from seeing the flush that rises in his cheeks. "Thanks," he mumbles, "but what about tomorrow?"

"It's Christmas," Michael says, "we're all here together. That's all that matters, we'll figure something out."

Everyone keeps saying that and as much as Cas was inclined to trust Dean, he doesn't truly believe it until now. No one is disappointed; if anything, they seem to be happy and for the first time in more than twenty-four hours, he feels his body relax. 

He sends a text to Dean to let him know that things went over better than expected and then he helps to clear the table. Dean doesn't reply right away but Cas is okay with it because Michael's planning a winter picnic for this afternoon and he's sure Dean is busy with his own family. Already, he's taken up a lot of his time and he feels guilty about it. At least that guilt is easily assuaged by spending time with his siblings and leaving Dean alone. 

Just before they're about to leave to do drive out, Michael heads out to start the car and comes back in chuckling and rubbing his hands on his thighs. 

"So," he grins, "small change of plans."

"Is something wrong with the car?" Anael asks. 

"Not quite. There are about three inches of snow on the ground, I don't think we're going anywhere. Doesn't even look like they've started salting the roads."

Gabriel frowns but Cas isn't as disappointed as everyone else seems to be. It's been cold and wet the last few days, but it hasn't snowed yet and he's happy to give up the picnic for snow. Anna comes up behind him at the window, draping an arm over his shoulders. 

"I'm thinking snowball fight? Igloo building contest?"

"I want Cassie!" Gabe calls and Anael rolls her eyes. As she wanders back to the kitchen, Cas thinks he hears her muttering about making hot cocoa. 

The next time he sees her, he's out in the snow holding up the roof of his and Gabriel's igloo to keep it from collapsing. Most of the snow in the yard has been pushed into piles on either side, but it just keeps falling and Cas is loving it. He's wet and cold and there's snow in his hood and his boots but he hasn't had this much fun in a long time, even if he and Gabe are falling behind. 

Anael comes out with a tray of mugs and cookies, setting it on the corner of the railing. She grabs a mug for herself and sits down on the swing to watch. She's not alone for long as the rest of them pile onto the balcony to claim their own mug of hot chocolate and Cas sits next to her, smiling. Now that they've stopped, he realizes how hungry he is and his stomach rumbles as he leans back in his seat. 

"Hungry?" Michael teases. 

"I didn't eat much for breakfast." He doesn't want to admit that he was still a little hungover and made Dean eat most of his food. It's bad enough that they know he spent the night. 

"Wanna make lunch with me?" Anna asks, brushing snow from Michael's sleeve. "Let these two dry off and give your sister a break?"

"Of course."

Anna gets along perfectly with the rest of the family, considering she's the only one so far who's married into the family and stayed. Gabe and his wife are working through things, but Kali was never as much of a family person as Anna is. She's basically like the other sister Cas never had. 

They get lunch made and served and everyone sits together in the living room to eat. Gabe puts on a baking show and as Cas leans into the corner of the armchair, he nearly falls asleep. Only now that he's relaxed, he realizes how much stress he's been under. He's been unhappy, unwanted and unappreciated so relieving the pressure of keeping up appearances is a huge relief. It took him some time to figure out the problems in his relationship and now that it's all out in the open and Bart's gone, he doesn't even feel bad about it. 

He didn't ruin Christmas, he didn't lose everything when Bart walked away and although he's going to have a lot of mess to clean up when he gets home at the end of the month, he's not upset about the way things went down. The only thing that still nags at him is Dean. This morning and last night Dean seemed happy enough to be with him and deal with his mess, but now Cas hasn't heard from him since. 

It's Christmas, so Dean is probably just enjoying his time with his family, but Cas is still worried that he overstepped. Dean has been so welcoming and accommodating - if not a little forward - but it has been a couple of years since they've seen each other and Dean could have realized he was making a mistake. 

Cas is okay with that, he decides. He likes having Dean back in his life and he could never expect him to want to jump into a relationship right after Cas' last one fell apart. He just wishes he could talk to Dean again and apologize for being such a mess these past few days. And to thank him for everything he's done. He's disappointed, but even seeing Dean again is so much more than he could have expected and he's thankful for that. 

Despite the nagging worry, Cas is still feeling good when he heads to bed a little early that night. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and he'd rather head to bed now and be well-rested than to be tired again all day tomorrow. He says goodnight to his siblings and makes his way upstairs to crawl into bed. 

When he gets into his room, there's a folded piece of paper on his pillow and he doesn't realize it until he's pulling the blankets down to climb under them. The edge jabs into his neck and Cas frowns as he pulls it out. It's too dark to read, so he grabs his phone from the nightstand to read the note. 

_8am tomorrow morning.  
Be ready, set your alarm. _

Cas frowns to himself, trying to figure out where the note came from. It probably fell out of his bag - or Bart's - so he doesn't pay it much attention and drops it to the floor before setting back into bed. He shuts his eyes, happy to know that he will actually be sleeping in tomorrow and nothing is going to keep him from that.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas is still asleep when he rolls over and bumps into something soft. His bed is pushed against the wall, so hitting something hard isn't uncommon, but this is _soft_. He opens his eyes not knowing what to expect and squinting into the light, he finds Dean grinning down at him. 

"Good morning. I take it you didn't get my note?"

" _Oh_." He squints into the light - presumably, Dean turned that on when he came over - and frowns. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, "I thought it might have been Bart's or something."

"I saw you guys outside yesterday and I didn't want to interrupt your family time. Guess I should have been a little more clear."

"It would have been appreciated," Cas huffs. He tries to push himself up, but Dean is lying on the blankets and he gets stuck. He relents, flopping back against the mattress and Dean lays down next to him, propping himself up on his elbow. 

"As much as I'd like to keep you in bed, we have a big day ahead of us and I'm gonna need you to get up." Cas quirks an eyebrow at him and Dean grins. "Get up and I'll tell you about it." He climbs over Cas and slides off the bed, crossing toward the dresser. 

Dean watches him as he pushes his legs out from under the covers and groans at the chill. He was going to sleep in this morning and it's a damn good thing Dean came to physically wake him up himself because that's about the only thing that he could get him out of bed right now. He pulls his legs back up under him and sits cross-legged on the edge of the bed, tilting slightly in his drowsiness. 

Dean picks out an outfit for him, presses the clothes into his hands and climbs back up onto the bed to leave Cas to get dressed. If it was anyone else or he was any more awake, Cas might be more worried about getting naked in front of them. But with Dean, he's only worried about one of them doing something dumb. 

When he's fully dressed, Dean herds him downstairs to meet the rest of the family - all of whom seem to be in on this plan. Everyone is dressed and ready to go and Cas doesn't know where they're headed, but he knows there's a reason he wasn't filled in on this plan. Dean pulls Anael aside, whispering something in her ear and she nods and grins as Dean pulls away. He comes back over to Cas, clapping a hand on his shoulder as he walks past. 

"You're comin' with me."

Cas gives him a look but follows him dopily out to the car. As he slips into the front seat, he peers up at the Winchester house and it seems suspiciously dark and empty. When he asks Dean about it, the only response he gets is a shrug and Dean keeps maddeningly quiet.

They arrive at a quiet little diner out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other vehicles out in the parking lot, one of which looks like it only just arrived, the other is covered in a layer of snow. 

"I take it you're not going to explain yourself?" Cas asks. Dean just shrugs again and comes up behind him, nudging Cas toward the door. 

When they walk through the front door, Sam and Ruby are sitting together at a long table with John and Mary and Cas turns back to face Dean. Dean smiles softly at him as his siblings walk through the door behind them. 

"Called in a favour with Benny," he says. "Thought you could use some cheering up." 

It's a good thing both of their families are right there with them because Cas is tempted to kiss him right then and there. He may be exhausted, but he's overwhelmed by the effort Dean must have put into this.

"C'mon," Dean says softly, "let's go sit down." He guides Cas toward the table and sits him down near the end before disappearing again. 

As everyone else takes their seats, Cas chats quietly with Ruby and Sam. When Dean comes back, Benny is with him and they've got large serving bowls and trays and they set them down in the center of the table before Benny heads back to the kitchen. 

Dean takes a seat next to Cas and uncovers the serving dishes. There are hashbrowns and bacon and pancakes and there's more food than they could hope to eat. Cas barely knows what to do with himself and he can't seem to find the words to thank Dean. He's been so worried about what they're going to do for dinner without Bart and his family and here's Dean figuring out a solution behind his back. It might not be the plan they expected, but Cas couldn't be happier. 

When Benny comes back, he leans over Dean, handing a set of keys to him. "Don't forget to lock up when you're done," he grins, then leans forward to whisper something Cas can't hear. Dean turns away and gives Benny a look that makes Cas desperate to know what Benny's saying to him. 

Benny stands back up again, smiling down the table. "Hope everything's alright for ya," he smiles. "Enjoy your breakfast, merry Christmas." He flashes a quick grin at Cas before heading out and Cas turns to Dean. 

Dean seems to know what he's about to say and he just shakes his head softly and smiles. "Eat your breakfast, this is just the first stop." Cas tries to argue, to tell Dean he doesn't deserve this, but Dean doesn't give him the chance. 

The food is incredible and Cas sets aside the need to thank Dean for the time being. After yesterday, he's decided to try and be in the moment and worry about the other things later. They eat and talk and John and Mary worry over Cas and his siblings as if they were their own parents. When he was a kid, they may as well have been. 

After breakfast, everyone clears the table and they split into groups to wash dishes and clear up the front area. Dean and Cas work together to move the tables back into place. Cas finds himself constantly peering over at Dean wanting to say something, but he keeps quiet and continues working. There will be time for them to talk later. 

The only problem with _later_ is that Cas feels like he's about to explode _now_. He's single now and no matter how recently, he and Dean both know it and there's a sort of tension between them now that wasn't there previously. That, and then Dean went through all the trouble to set up this breakfast, which Cas suspects has less to do with the rest of their families than Dean lets on. Right now, he'd like to plop Dean down on one of these tables and kiss him stupid. It's not a terrible idea, but if Cas is going to do anything about this thing between them, it's probably better to wait until they're alone. 

When they leave, everyone piles back into their respective vehicles, but Dean stops to talk to Sam. Cas overhears something that sounds like _you take the car_ , but out of context it tells him nothing. Dean comes back to him with a smile and as they slide into the car, he says they have to make a quick stop in town before going home. 

As they pull up to the Christmas market, Cas spots the Winchester's truck a few spaces away and he turns to give Dean a look."Quick stop my ass."

"If I told you what we were doing, you might not have come."

"Unlikely," Cas says softly. Dean pauses mid-motion and turns back to him. He doesn't say anything, but he looks like he wants to and Cas would give anything to know what's going on in his head. He wants to kiss him so badly and he's certain Dean wouldn't turn him down. But he can't because he's a coward. 

Instead, he offers up a genuine smile and pushes his own door open, stepping out into the snow. Unsurprisingly, everyone else is already there and Dean leads them over to the others, immediately dropping the facade that they will be going home any time soon. They move as a group and pick up cookies and hot chocolate before heading over to the skating rink again. 

Cas is sitting at the side, lacing up his skates, when Dean comes to sit next to him, holding Sophie. He sits down next to him, tucking her blanket around her and sitting her in his lap. 

"Babysitting?" Cas asks and Dean smiles down at her, kissing the top of her head. 

"Yeah, Sam and Ruby don't get much time to themselves anymore. The least I could do is give them half an hour. Besides, she's kinda cute." He grins as he looks from Cas back to Sophie and Cas' heart does a little flip-flop watching him. 

"That's sweet," Cas says, "but if you need a break, I'd be happy to switch out with you."

"I'm good. Go have fun." 

Cas gets his skates tied and he pushes himself to his feet, wobbling slightly as he fully stands up. He steadies himself and turns back to Dean with a quick wave back to him and Sophie before skating off to join the others. 

He skates for a little while and Gabriel challenges him to a race, which Cas promptly wins because the only person worse at skating than him, is Gabriel. His feet are getting sore though and as much as he loves skating with his family, he's eyeing the hot chocolate stand at the edge of the ice. He turns to look for Dean, to make sure he's still sitting there and waiting, but Anael is in his place. Cas frowns to himself as he watches Anael with the baby, wondering what happened to Dean. 

He's about to head over to ask Anael where he went and he's expecting some new big surprise from Dean when he's bumped into from behind. He's about to turn when arms wind around his waist. Cas looks over his shoulder to find Dean grinning at him, looking particularly pleased with himself. 

"Hey," he grins and Cas rolls his eyes fondly at him. "Having fun?"

"I am," Cas says. "I was thinking about sitting down for a minute, though."

"Gimme another ten minutes and I'll come sit with you?"

"Buy me a hot chocolate and you've got a deal." Dean releases him, skating backward and Cas turns to face him. 

"I think I can handle that."

They stay out longer than intended and by the time they do finally reach the bench, Cas' feet are killing him. It's been years since he's skated and he can feel it now. As he's sitting on the bench groaning, Anael plops down next to him, still cuddling Sophie. 

"You two looked pretty good out there," she grins, nudging him gently. 

Cas shrugs and tries not to think too much into it. It did feel good though, being able to be with Dean like that without having to worry what someone might think or whether he's taking things a step too far. It's been a long time since he's been able to be with someone like that that he genuinely wants to be with without having to worry about whether he _should_. 

"It's nothing," he lies but he's not expecting Anael to believe him and she doesn't. To her credit, she doesn't say anything else, but when she spots Dean coming, she's quick to get up and head back over to Sam and Ruby. Cas watches after her for a minute and she looks so happy with the baby and with Ruby. She's going to be a wonderful mother and Cas couldn't be happier for her. 

He doesn't know how she does it, living alone and planning to raise a child alone. Right now, he's facing finding a new apartment and possibly a new job and even doing that alone stresses him out. Anael has always been more to him than a sister, especially after they lost their parents, and she's usually the most logical , level-headed person he knows. He's always been inclined to believe her in the past and trust her judgment and when he looks at Dean, he can see why she keeps pushing. 

It's not just that she likes him either; Dean is good for him and Cas knows it, too. Since they were kids Dean has pushed him to do things he wouldn't normally do, almost all of which have turned out to be better than Cas could have expected. Even now, in such a short time, Dean has made him realize that things weren't okay the way they were and now he's working toward making a change. Or he will be when he gets home. 

He turns to Dean and Dean smiles back at him as he unties his skates. Without realizing it, Cas catches himself smiling back at him. Dean's always presented an outward image of a tough guy, but Cas has never seen that side of him. With him, Dean has always been soft and kind and funny and Cas realizes at once how lucky he is to even be able to think about being with Dean. If everyone else knew him the way he did, there's no way Dean wouldn't have found someone to settle down with by now. 

He wants to be with Dean, but he worries that it's too soon. He made a huge mistake with Bart and spend two years of his life with someone who was totally wrong for him. Dean doesn't feel wrong, but he doesn't want to rush things and make the same mistake again. But he can't ask Dean to wait for him. 

While he's thinking, considering his options, Mary comes over to them.

"Sam says there's some kids doing a concert down at the other end," she says. "We're gonna go and watch for a bit, take a break. If you guys want to come?"

Cas nods and looks to Dean. "Yeah, I could definitely use a break."

"Sure," Dean agrees. "I'll take my skates back and get that hot chocolate if you want to meet me over there?"

"Okay. Thanks." Cas finishes tying his shoes and rises to follow after Mary. Even as they walk away, he looks back over his shoulder at Dean. 

It doesn't take Dean long to catch up with them and when he does, he sneaks into the row of seats, sitting between Cas and Anna. He apologizes quietly and hands over the hot chocolate plus a basket of fries.

"Thanks," Cas whispers. 

The concert is reminiscent of every Christmas concert Cas was part of in elementary school. The kids are in their costumes and none of them are in time with each other, but he enjoys it nonetheless. One day he'll be coming back to see Anael's kid in concerts and plays and he looks forward to that. 

When the concert is finished and the spectators start to disperse, the two families stay put, turning around or switching seats to get closer to each other. 

"Do you guys have any plans?" Anael asks and she and Dean share a quick look before she turns to Mary and John. "I was gonna head home and get started on dinner if anyone's feeling up to helping?" Michael and Anna are quick to offer and John and Mary decide to leave as well. They were already planning on making dinner, so they're more than willing to help Anael. 

"I can help too, if you need it," Cas offers, but Gabe is quick to jump on that.

"I think they'll be alright. I'm heading home anyway so I'll be around if anyone needs anything. You stay. Have fun." 

Half the group leaves and Cas is left with Dean, Sam, and Ruby with the baby. They sit for a little while before the chill sets in again and Sam gets them up to find drinks and get moving. They find hot apple cider and something small for lunch and meander around the market. It's early afternoon now and the market will only be open for a couple more hours tonight but they're not planning on doing any shopping so none of them are too worried about it. 

"So Cas, what are your plans after the holidays?" Sam asks. Dean looks a little uncomfortable at the question, but Cas doesn't mind. Actually, he's glad to talk about it. 

"I haven't talked to her about it, but I was thinking about moving back here. I might stay with Anael for a while until I can find somewhere of my own."

"It'd be nice to be close," Sam agrees and Cas smiles. "You'd be close to Dean, too."

The look Dean gives him is complete betrayal and Sam just laughs, even as Ruby elbows him. Cas smiles softly at him without looking at Dean.

"I would be," he agrees. "It would be nice to be close to someone I know." 

"You'd have Mom and Dad right next door, too," Dean adds. "Didn't know you were thinking of leaving Cali."

"I was only there for Bart. It's time for me to find somewhere I want to be. I need to move on and start my own life, stop depending on someone else."

"That's good."

Cas shrugs. "Yeah, probably. Do you guys have any plans?"

"Not really. We just bought a house, we've got the little one now. Ruby's on leave and I'm taking some time off now, so we'll just be at home for a while."

"I don't know about him," Ruby says, "but when we get home I'm going to sleep for a week." 

As they wander, the air cools off again and it gets darker. Snow starts falling again just after three and Dean shifts closer and closer as they make their way around the market. Cas' cider is gone now and he shoves his hands in his pockets to keep warm. It is a little cold out, but it's a beautiful night and he's not ready to go home just yet so he doesn't mention it. 

Dean bumps against him as they walk and Cas smiles back at him, pushing back. They're chatting quietly about Cas coming home and it takes them a moment to realize Sam and Ruby are talking in hushed tones a few feet behind them. Cas stops first and Dean turns to see what he's doing before approaching Sam. 

"Everything okay?" he asks. 

"Yes," Ruby says, "we're just going to head out, Sophie's fussing." A quick look tells Cas the baby is fast asleep and Ruby's excuse is a terrible one. She grins directly at Dean. "Sam says we can borrow the car?"

"Yeah, go for it." Dean turns to Cas. "I'll pay for a cab home later, don't worry about it."

Ruby smiles and Cas looks between her and Sam. It's obvious from the way she's acting that she's trying to get Sam out of there and he hasn't quite caught up with the plan yet. 

"Okay, we'll see you in a bit then?" Dean asks. 

"Make sure you're home before ten," Sam jokes and Dean rolls his eyes as he turns around. 

Cas inhales sharply. For the first time since Dean left yesterday morning, they're alone together. Dean huffs an exasperated laugh as he falls in line with him again and when Cas looks up, his cheeks are redder than they were a moment ago.

"Sorry about that," he mumbles. 

"It's alright, she's just trying to help. Anael's been doing that this entire trip."

"Tell me about it," Dean huffs. "She interrogated me the other day."

"What?" Cas asks, "when she talked to you the other day?"

"Yeah. Wanted to make sure I was serious about you or whatever."

"Serious about me?" Cas asks. His heart beats a little quicker than before and he has to try to calm himself down before he can even think of what to say. "Until two days ago, I was seeing Bart."

"Yeah, I know."

They're quiet for a few more minutes and it suddenly hits Cas why she might have said that. "I told her I kissed you," he blurts and Dean looks at him. 

"You did?"

"I felt guilty. I didn't sleep well that night and I got up and sat in the kitchen and drank rum. Anael found me and I told her what happened."

"And she came out thinking..." he doesn't finish his sentence, but Cas knows what he means and he nods. 

"Yeah, I think so." 

Neither of them says anything and Cas assumes Dean is just feeling the same awkwardness as he is. They fall quiet again and Cas finds himself wondering if he should have kept quiet about his confession. They pass a horse and buggy and Dean jerks a little before falling back in line. Cas doesn't think anything about it until Dean grabs his wrist and stops him. 

"Do you wanna-" he gestures back to the carriage and he looks remarkably uncomfortable as if he's expecting Cas to say no. 

"Yeah," Cas breathes, "okay." 

In all of his adult life, Cas doesn't remember being as nervous as he is walking toward that carriage. He let Dean feel him up in a bar bathroom with his boyfriend right outside the door and yet now he can barely keep his breathing even. Dean talks to the coachman and they climb into the cart, pulling the red fleece blanket over their laps. They're both quiet as they start moving and the only sound is the click-clack of hooves on the concrete, echoing a little in the quiet park. 

It's getting dark now and there are couples walking in the park, but for the most part, it's empty. Everyone else is getting ready for Christmas Eve celebrations and Cas is here in a horse-drawn carriage, with Dean. 

"So," Dean asks quietly, "how are you feeling about all of this?"

"About Bart, you mean?" Dean nods. "Would it be bad if I say I feel relieved?" Dean shakes his head and a little grin tugs at the corner of his mouth. 

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to sound so happy about it," Cas teases. Dean holds back a grin, shaking his head. 

"I'm not. What are you talking about?"

Cas laughs softly. "I'm feeling a lot better - about everything - since Bart left. I don't feel bad about him leaving, either. That was his choice and now I'm free to start over." They're both choosing their words meticulously, careful not to be too obvious about what they really want to say. It doesn't make sense because they want the same thing and both of them know it. Cas is hesitant because of his recent breakup, but he doesn't know why Dean is being so cagey about it. 

Cas doesn't know what else to say without being entirely truthful with Dean and if they're going to have that conversation, he wants it to be private. He doesn't want to have it in the back of a carriage where the driver can overhear them. Dean shuffles closer, resting his head on Cas' shoulder and Cas smiles to himself, leaning back against him. 

They pass under a tunnel made entirely of Christmas lights and Cas can't help but think of all the romantic Christmas movies he's been watching. If there was ever a time to kiss Dean, it's right now. 

He doesn't, although he thinks about it for the next few minutes until the light tunnel is well behind them. 

The carriage returns back to the start and they climb out, thanking the driver. Neither of them has heard from their families, so Cas checks his phone to find three missed calls and a text from Anael. They're not old, so he quickly opens the message. 

**_< < If you're gonna be home for dinner, we'll be ready in about half an hour._ **

**_< < If not, have fun ;)_ **

Cas ignores the second message, tucking his phone back into his pocket. He hadn't realized how much darker it got while they were riding and almost no one is around now. 

"We should probably head back," Cas says, "Anael says dinner will be ready soon."

"How long do we have?"

"Half an hour?" Cas shrugs. 

"You wanna walk home with me?"

"Okay," Cas smiles. 

The snow has picked up, but they decide to take the long way through the park. There are lights up everywhere and it looks even more beautiful in the snow than it did a few days ago. 

If he's honest, Cas isn't ready to rejoin their families and the twenty-minute walk home doesn't seem like a long enough time to be alone with Dean. In a couple of days, they'll both be going home again and this will feel like a dream. Going home means going back to real life and Cas much prefers it here in his little fantasy land with Dean. 

"Hey," Dean says suddenly, "thanks for putting up with me. Y'know, before. I shouldn't have been so pushy and I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine," Cas interrupts. "If you hadn't been so forward, I might not have realized how much I was missing out on. Besides, I'm the one who kissed you, right?"

Dean falls silent and Cas' mind goes back to that night at the bar. It felt so good to kiss someone who wanted to kiss him and thinking back, he can still feel Dean's mouth against his own. He focuses on that feeling, on the memory of Dean's body against him and before he realizes what he's doing, he's pressing in against Dean's side. Dean pushes back, slipping his fingers between Cas' and Cas gives a soft squeeze in response. 

He hides the soft smile that creeps across his face, but he doesn't let go. 

They walk hand-in-hand, neither making any effort to acknowledge it, but the tension entirely subsides. They chat about Christmas and their siblings and Cas learns that Dean's really close with Ruby. Cas doesn't have a lot of in-laws, but he loves Anna like a sister and he's happy Dean has someone like that, too. 

It feels like they're just getting to know each other for the first time and Cas can hardly wait to see him again. He may have known Dean for years, but it feels like the first time they've met. The only difference is the sheer intensity of feeling he has for Dean. There's just so much there; so many memories, so many emotions, and for once in their lives, maybe they didn't miss their chance. 

When they get to the house, the tension rears its head again. Cas doesn't know if he's ready to do this thing with Dean and he's definitely not ready to flaunt it in front of his family. They'll understand, he knows, but he's not sure about it himself. As they reach the front steps, Dean lets go of his hand, letting his fingers trail against Cas' as he drops his own hands to his sides. 

Cas lets him step in first and he follows after, shutting the door behind him. Everyone is already in the kitchen or the dining room and Cas follows Dean in to join them. 

"Hey boys," Gabe grins, "I was wondering when you were gonna get in."

"We walked," Cas says simply and Gabriel smirks at him. 

Dean gives him a little smirk and Cas smiles as he turns away toward the dining room. They take their seats around the table and Cas winds up sitting directly opposite Dean. It's bad placement because Cas can't stop looking up at him and he keeps thinking back to their childhood and so many family dinners where they were too eager to get finished and go back out to play. Apparently, he's not the only one. Mary is watching him out of the corner of her eye, trying and failing to hide her smirk. 

Dinner is delicious and Cas can't imagine things going this well with Bart and his family. His whole family has always been close with the Winchesters and it only makes sense to celebrate with them. Especially considering there is no one Cas would rather spend his Christmas Eve with. 

Once they've finished eating, everyone gets up all at once, leaving just Ruby and Dean at the table. Ruby is still trying to feed Sophie and Dean is providing what appears to be mostly emotional support. Cas watches them from a distance, smiling as Dean takes over completely, pulling Sophie out of her chair and holding her in one arm as he attempts to feed her. Someone clears their throat behind him and Cas turns to find Michael leaning over him. 

"He'd be a good dad," he says and Cas rolls his eyes as he turns to face him. 

"Really, you too? I thought if there was anyone I could trust, it was you." 

Michael shrugs. "Anael and Gabriel may always be right in your business, but I do like Dean. And if I might say so? I think he's a much better match for you than Bart was."

"I don't know if anyone could be worse," Cas mumbles and Michael smiles. "I don't know if I'm going to do anything about Dean, though."

"Understandable." Cas looks up to him, stunned, and Michael smiles. "You were with Bart for a long time, no one could expect you to jump right into something new. Not even with someone you know as well as Dean."

"Thank you," Cas sighs. "It has been a lot." Michael claps him on the shoulder and turns away, leaving Cas alone in the doorway again. 

He watches for a moment before strolling into the dining room and leaning against the table. He watches Dean with Sophie and it makes him think about Anael and his plans for the future. As it stands right now, he's not expecting to have kids of his own, but if he moves home, he'll be around when the baby is born and he's more than willing to help Anael with whatever she needs. 

He could be happy back in Lawrence; he never was much of a city person anyway. Plus, if he's here, he's closer to Dean. He tries to think about the other factors, but truthfully he keeps going back to Dean. The plan - providing it goes over well with Anael - is to come back because he needs a fresh start, but being closer to Dean makes a relationship a lot more plausible. 

_Fuck it_ , he thinks, pushing himself up from the table. "Can I talk to you for a second?" he asks and Dean looks concerned as he rises to follow him. He follows Cas out to the back door and when Cas steps out onto the stairs, Dean follows without question. When they're alone, Cas turns to him. 

"You planned all of this, didn't you?" he asks and Dean just grins at him.

"C'mon, Cas-"

"Don't bullshit me, Dean Winchester. You planned this whole day, didn't you? You did it for me." Dean rolls his eyes, but Cas doesn’t falter.

"I just got everyone on board, that's all. You just seemed so sad."

"You didn't have to do all of this, Dean, I-"

"Yeah, I did."

"Right," Cas nods. Before he can second guess himself, Cas steps forward, sliding a hand over Dean's cheek and kisses him. Dean freezes under him for a split second before giving way and in a second he's got his arms around Cas' waist, pulling him close. 

When Dean smiles against him, Cas laughs softly, letting his hands push up the sides of Dean's face. It's so much more than the last time; still a rush of emotion, but there's no urgency, no fear, no guilt. Kissing dean just feels right and Cas lets himself get lost in it, slipping his fingers up through the hairs at the back of his head and holding him closer. 

They don't separate until Dean pulls back. He's smiling like an idiot and Cas grins back at him, pressing close until his nose bumps against Dean's. There's a vague tension like neither of them know what to say, so Cas breaks the silence. 

“Did you mean what you said before?” he asks.

“At the bar, you mean?”

"Yeah. I can’t stop thinking about that. I could never forgive myself if I didn't give this a chance." Dean nods softly and Cas slides his hands up Dean's chest. "I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I leave here and I'm going to need some time to figure things out, but I would rather do that with you than miss our chance again."

"Whatever you need," Dean breathes, dipping down to kiss him again, just briefly. "I want to help." He moves to step back, but Cas pulls him in again, kissing him passionately and Dean lets himself be tugged forward. He gets his arms around Cas' neck, fingers slipping into the hairs at the base of his neck and Cas hums softly against him. 

He ducks his head with a smile. "As much as I’d love to stay with you all night, we should go back or they're gonna-" 

Dean nods, understanding, and Cas is thankful that he doesn't have to be blunt with him. "Yeah," he agrees. 

In his mind, Cas can already picture their families crowded around the window to try and see what they're doing. 

"Sam and I picked up gingerbread houses, thought we could have a contest." Dean looks so proud of himself that Cas doesn't have the heart to tell him that he's terrible at building gingerbread houses and he follows him into the house quietly. 

Inside it appears everyone is already getting started in the living room. Sam's got them all set up with trays to build on and they're all sitting on the floor in pairs, the coffee table pushed out of the way. When he spots them, Sam looks up with a knowing grin. 

"You're late," he says. "We figured you wouldn't mind being on a team together so we put your box on the hearth." 

Dean and Cas tiptoe through the crowd, sitting themselves down next to the fireplace and Cas takes the box and sets it in front of them. This is going to be a disaster and store-bought gingerbread houses don't even taste good. 

Dean starts off much more enthusiastically, but when they fail to keep their walls standing for the third time, he scowls over at Sam's. 

"They've got a baby on their team and they're still doing better than us," he mumbles. Cas chuckles softly and smears a stripe of icing down Dean's nose. 

"Thanks." He grumbles, but Cas can see the shadow of a smile under his frown. 

When everyone's finished, they set all the houses up in a line along the hearth and put little tealights in them. Despite the fact that most of them are crumbling, they do look quite pretty with the lights out. 

Sam and Ruby are on their way out, so they say their goodbyes and goodnights at the door and the rest of them settle back into the living room to watch a movie. Cas settles himself in front of the fire, sticking a cushion between his back and the stone hearth, and Dean joins him. At first, he sits next to him, casually leaning into his side, but as the night wears on, he winds up between Cas' legs, leaning back against his chest. 

Cas knows the only reason he does it is because he thinks no one else is paying attention, but he doesn't mind. He leans against Dean's shoulder, humming softly, and he shuts his eyes. This trip might not have been perfect, but it's definitely improved. 

Anael heads to bed a little while later and Cas figures it won't be long until everyone's heading out. It's getting late and he's tired too, but he's not ready for the night to be over. Although, when John and Mary leave, Dean gets up to go with them. Cas gets up to see them out and thank them for coming and as they head out into the snow, he turns back to say goodnight to his own family. 

He goes to the bathroom first, brushing his teeth and inspecting himself in the mirror. He's tired, but now that it's actually time for bed, he doesn't want to sleep and all he can think about is Dean. If it wasn't so late, he'd call him, but he'll have to be patient and wait until morning; even if he doesn't want to, he does have to get some sleep tonight.

When he thinks back on the rest of the night, he smiles to himself, turning the tap off before heading into the bedroom. Even if Dean is gone now, he wouldn't change anything.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... got away from me.
> 
> Thank you for reading guys, and for all your lovely comments ❤️❤️❤️

When he steps through the bedroom door, something feels off, but it takes him a minute to realize why. He's already sat down on the bed and he's about to take his shirt off when he glances over to see if the curtains are open. The last thing he's expecting to see is Dean sitting on the dresser under his window. 

When he sees Cas, Dean slips off the dresser and crosses over to him, sliding his hands up Cas' chest. "You didn't think I'd leave just like that did you?" He tips forward, kissing Cas' jaw and his breath sends shivers down Cas' spine. "I brought a movie," Dean hums, sliding closer so their bodies are flush against each other. "Drinks. Thought maybe we could have a sleepover. Think your sister would mind if I spent the night?"

Cas wants to joke that it depends how quiet he is, but as forward as Dean is, he doesn't want to make any assumptions. "I don't think she'll mind," he smiles and Dean presses in again, kissing him smoothly. He walks Cas backward to the bed and Cas realizes he might have been wrong about Dean's intentions. His knees hit the mattress and he winds his arms around Dean's waist, tugging Dean down with him as he sits down. 

Dean finally breaks away, smiling as he pulls back and steps away. "Movie?" he asks and Cas nods as Dean turns back toward the dresser. Cas doesn't move as he watches Dean, taking in everything, and when Dean turns back, he's got two thermoses in his hands.

He crawls back up on the bed, nudging Cas out of the way as he settles down beside him. He hands a flash drive over and as Cas leans forward to plug it into the TV, he can feel Dean's eyes on him. He sits back and when he looks over at Dean, he has a thermos pressed into his hands and Dean reaches over him to get the remote. 

While Dean sets up the movie, Cas sniffs his drink, recoiling a little at the strength of it. He turns to face Dean but just gets a sheepish grin in response. 

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Didn't work the last two times," Dean winks. Cas grins but the sound from the TV catches his attention and he turns toward the screen.

"Love, Actually?" he asks. 

"Don't tell Sam," Dean mumbles, "it's actually one of my favourites."

Cas leans in, bumping his shoulder against Dean's with a soft grin. "Me too."

The eggnog is a little strong - even Dean winces a little when he sips it - and Cas has a hard time paying attention to the movie with Dean pressed up against him like this, but he's content. Dean drops his head onto his shoulder and Cas wraps an arm around his shoulder, letting Dean sink into him. 

He doesn't finish his drink, but he's pleasantly buzzed and when Dean leans up to kiss him, he couldn't care less what happens in the rest of the movie. Dean moves against him, taking the thermos from Cas' hand and setting them both on the windowsill. He moves without dislodging the blankets, sliding over and into Cas' lap. 

Dean's hot, pressed up against his chest and Cas slips his hands under the hem of his shirt, trailing cool fingers over his skin. Dean shudders under the touch but doesn't pull back. He bites his lip and runs his hands down Cas' arms, covering his hands with his own and pressing them into his skin. Cas keeps his eyes on Dean's face; he can feel every movement under his fingers, but the look on Dean's face when he touches him is beautiful.

Cas pulls his hands from Dean's, sliding over his hips and down over the swell of his ass. Dean rocks forward onto his knees unprompted, wrapping his arms around Cas' head and kissing his hair. Cas takes advantage of the position, pushing Dean's shirt up and kissing his chest. Dean draws back, sitting back on Cas' thighs and he smiles down at him. 

"Anyone ever tell you you're an amazing kisser?" Cas just shakes his head and snorts a soft laugh. He curls his fingers around Dean's collar, tugging him down to kiss him again. He shuts his eyes as their lips touch, humming softly into Dean's mouth. 

Dean's fingers slip under his shirt, teasing the patch of skin right above his waistband and Cas automatically arches into the touch. Dean's fingers slide against his skin, tracing hot lines over his hips and Cas groans softly against his lips. He hates that he sounds so desperate, but Dean hums in response and shifts further up his lap. 

Cas takes it as a good sign and he pushes Dean's shirt up, testing his limits. He gets no resistance and continues, pulling away just long enough to get the shirt over his head. When he leans up for a kiss, Dean pulls back, smiling down at him. 

"You were wrong earlier," Cas huffs. 

"What do you mean?"

"You said getting me drunk didn't work, that's not... entirely true." Dean lifts an eyebrow, intrigued, and he presses his palms against Cas' chest, leaning him back against the headboard. 

"Tell me?"

Cas watches his expression as he slides his hands down to Dean's thighs. "I wanted you so badly that night I almost didn't care that Bart was right outside. I should've brought you home with me."

"Come on baby, there's got to be more to it than just that." Cas' breath catches at the name and he meets Dean's eyes. 

"I thought about you that night," he breathes, "while I jacked off in the bathroom." Dean's eyes go wide and dark, his lips falling just a little further apart before pressing together. 

"Okay," he nods, seemingly speechless. 

"I wanted to touch you, to hold you." He shuts his eyes, pressing his fingers into Dean's skin. 

"Show me," Dean breathes and Cas rises up instantly, sliding his hands under Dean's thighs to hold him up. Dean's quick on the uptake, winding his arms around Cas' neck and kissing him roughly. He threads his fingers through Ca' hair and moans against his lips. "I want you."

Cas lays him on his back, kissing a line down his neck until he meets the jut of Dean's collarbone. He hesitates for a second before letting his teeth graze over the soft skin. A low moan meets his ears and Dean's fingers press against his skull, pushing him forward. Cas is more than willing to give him what he wants and he moves down the bed, pressing kisses into Dean's skin all the way down to his hips. 

He pauses there, lifting his eyes to see Dean, head thrown back against the mattress and hands pressed firmly into Cas' hair. Dean's got his eyes shut, but he turns his head and opens them when Cas stops moving. He gives him a soft smile and runs his fingers through Cas' hair, pulling one hand away to wrap around Cas'. He takes Cas' hand and places it on his crotch, rolling his hips up so Cas can feel him. 

He's hard and for a second, it catches Cas off guard. Of all the times he's fantasized about him over the years, he never considered the little details. The brush of his fingertips against Cas' skin, the soft warmth of his breath, the thick hot line of his hard cock. Maybe it's a good thing they never made it this far when they were teenagers, they never would have done anything else. 

He continues his descent, sliding his hand down the length of Dean's cock and Dean mumbles under his breath, groaning. Dean's legs spread under him and Cas fits himself between them, pushing his hands up Dean's stomach. As he slides them back down again, Dean rises off the bed, following the touch with an encouraging moan. He doesn't let Cas get his pants undone though. Before he has a chance, Dean wiggles out from under him, rising up to his knees and shifting forward until there are only inches separating them. 

Dean's fingers graze his skin, soft tentative touches that leave Cas breathless in his need for more. His eyes drop shut and he lets Dean explore, never pressing harder than he needs to. Cas rests his hands on Dean's shoulders, rubbing gently as they rise and fall with each movement. 

It's been a long time since it was like this for him. Sex with Bart always felt like a means to and end like Bart didn't really want it, and if he didn't, what was the point. Most of the time Bart didn't even get him hard, and if he came it was usually because he was running through some fantasy or other in his mind. Knowing now what he can have with Dean, he doesn't know why he put up with it for so long. 

For the first time, he feels like Dean's main priority, not an afterthought once everything else has been dealt with. When he opens his eyes, Dean's stopped touching him and he's just sitting back, watching him. He smiles up at Cas and winks at him before pulling Cas' legs out from under him. He drapes Cas' legs over his own and Cas shifts as he adjusts, pressing closer to wrap his legs around his waist. 

Dean leans over him, pushing his shirt up over his head and letting it stay there, keeping Cas' arms together as he runs his free hand back down his chest. Cas exhales slowly, pushing into the touch and when Dean's fingers slip under the hem of his jeans, he gasps. 

He winds his fingers in the fabric of his shirt, tightening his grasp as both Dean's hands move to his waist. Dean's quick about getting his pants undone, but he doesn't get them off or even push them down. Instead, he tugs the zipper down and pushes them open, letting Cas' cock push through the opening. He's hard already, but the way Dean noses as him through his underwear makes him ache. 

Up until now, he was content to let Dean have his way, but now he wants more and Dean seems perfectly happy to keep him waiting. He groans and he can feel Dean's breath as he laughs. He doesn't take Cas' underwear off, but he looks up, catching his gaze, and closes his mouth around the head of his cock. 

Cas groans and arches off the bed, pushing his fingers through Dean's hair. " _Oh_ ," he breathes, " _oh, Dean_." He shifts his hips, sliding his covered cock against Dean's lips. His breath is warm and Cas has never been more turned on by him as he is when Dean drags his mouth up the length of his erection. But he doesn't stop there. Dean pushes his hands up Cas' stomach, following their path with his mouth. He leaves soft wet kisses on Cas' skin, sucking harder as he makes his way further up. 

When he reaches his neck, Dean pushes Cas' shirt up and over his head, lying down over him. He reaches between them, wrapping his hand around Cas' cock and stroking slowly. The fabric of his underwear drags against his skin and Cas rolls his head back with a low moan. Dean continues, shifting to rest his thigh over Cas', and his cock presses into Cas' thigh. 

As good as Dean's hands feel on him, Cas struggles to focus on anything but the press of Dean's erection. Without warning, he turns and wraps his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him up so he's straddling his lap. HE gets Dean's pants undone in a flash and Dean is still looking at him in stunned surprise when Cas slips a hand into his underwear, wrapping around him. 

Dean lets out a soft _oh_ and his eyes roll back before falling shut. He drops onto his hands, thrusting slowly between Cas' fingers and when Cas reaches a hand up to brush his cheek, Dean dips down. He kisses him sloppily, moaning into his mouth as Cas' fingers loop around the head of his cock and pulling away to rest his head against Cas' shoulder. 

"You're really good with your hands." he huffs, leaning up just far enough to see Cas' expression.

"I've had a lot of practice," Cas quips and Dean just groans, dropping his head against Cas' chest. He kisses him, mumbling into his skin,

" _Fuck, I'd like to see that._ "

Cas pushes him back and Dean sits back on his heels, watching him with dark, questioning eyes. Cas slides a hand into his underwear, taking himself in hand. He strokes up to the head and Dean's eyes drop to watch his knuckles under the fabric. Cas has never been one for being watched, but the way Dean watches with such adoration is intoxicating. And Dean looks fucking hot when he's aroused. 

He looks like he's the one who's been deprived, sitting watching Cas with intense focus and complete fascination. His cock juts out obscenely, peeking out above his waistband and while Cas can't keep his eyes off of it, Dean seems entirely oblivious. His gaze is focused on Cas, tracking each movement of his hand with shallow breaths. 

Cas tries to keep his eyes on Dean, but it's hard when he can barely keep his eyes open. He's caught up in the rush, the slide of his fingers up the length of his shaft, and he doesn't realize at first that Dean is moving. It's not until Dean's right on top of that he actually acknowledges it. When he opens his eyes, Dean is right there and it only takes a quick look down to realize he's rubbing himself through his underwear. Dean leans close, kissing Cas' neck.

"I wanna see you," he huffs, his breath hot and damp against Cas' neck. "I've been thinking about it since that night at the bar. Wanted to touch you so bad that night..." Dean continues, pressing his mouth against Cas' neck and Cas groans at the feeling of Dean's lips on him. He lets Dean continue for a few minutes before pushing him back up to his knees. 

Cas pushes his pants down, lifting his hips to slip them over his ass and Dean watches intently. When his underwear catch on his cock, Cas makes no attempt to free himself, smiling softly as Dean groans in frustration. He reaches out to touch, but Cas just takes his hand, twining their fingers together. 

When Cas gets his pants down, he kicks them off the side of the bed and moves Dean's hand to brush against the head of his cock. He's surprisingly sensitive and when Dean brushes his fingers along his length, Cas lets go, giving him full control. Cas shuts his eyes and slouches back against the headboard, groaning as Dean plays with his cock. 

At first, he's slow and gentle like he's testing the waters, but Cas makes it clear to him that it feels amazing, and Dean understands. He squeezes Cas, pulling hard up to the head and when Cas groans, he pushes his thumb over, sliding along the slit. He's wet and he knows it and when Dean pulls away, he thinks that's the reason for it. He's been with guys who are turned off by a lot of pre-come and he hopes it's not a dealbreaker for Dean. 

When he opens his eyes, Dean is barely an inch from the head of his cock and he flicks his eyes up to Cas, smirking at him as he sucks his cock into his mouth. Not a dealbreaker then, Cas thinks, dropping his head back against the headboard. Dean starts shallow, sucking the head of his cock between his lips and flicking his tongue against him. Cas resists pushing into his mouth, but Dean takes him deeper without persuasion and Cas whines at the suddenness of it. 

" _Oh_ ," he breathes, " _oh Dean_." He pushes his fingers through Dean's hair, tipping his head back to look at him. Dean's eyes are dark and wide, his lips swollen, and Cas can't keep his eyes off of him. 

"You like that?" Dean breathes and Cas nods, letting his hand slip from Dean's hair. He brushes his fingers down his cheek as Dean dips down again and Cas watches as he licks the head of his cock, barely sucking the head between his lips before pulling back again. 

Dean gets his hands under his thighs and Cas gives him full control, letting him push his legs up and pull him further down the bed. Cas shuts his eyes as Dean's mouth slides down his length and he rocks his hips slowly in time with Dean's motions. He groans out loud when Dean's fingers slip down his inner thigh and when he reaches his ass, Cas holds his breath. He wants Dean to touch him, push into him and when Cas is ready to explode, he wants to fuck him. 

Without asking, Dean seems to know exactly what he wants and as Dean's fingers slip over his hole, Cas bites his lip. " _Fuck_ ," he breathes, " _thats' good_."

"Do you have lube?" Dean asks. 

"Yeah," Cas pants, groaning again as Dean's finger presses more firmly against him. "Should be in the dresser."

"'Kay. Wait here."

"Like I'm gonna go anywhere," Cas huffs and Dean smiles at him as he climbs off the bed. He dips down, kissing Cas briefly and when he pulls back, he smiles at him before returning to kiss him again. Cas chuckles against his lips and pushes him backward and Dean finally relents. 

He crosses the room quickly and when he comes back to the bed, he slips out of his pants and climbs back up on the bed, sliding his arms under Cas' thighs. Cas watches him as well as he can, lifting his head off the pillow, but as Dean slicks his fingers up, he licks up Cas' cock. It's too much and Cas drops his head back to the pillow, rocking his hips against Dean's mouth. 

When Dean presses into him, Cas lifts his hips, encouraging the press of Dean's finger and Dean pushes deeper. He rubs around his hole before pressing in again and Cas' eyelids flutter as Dean's knuckles hit his skin. Dean seeks out his prostate, rubbing against it and thrusting lightly into him. He's good with his hands and Cas arches off the bed, pushing himself further onto him. He looks around, pushing his head up and Dean's got a hand underneath himself, his hips rolling hard against the mattress. 

"Are you touching yourself?" Cas asks, his eyes dropping shut again as Dean pushes into him. 

"Yeah," Cas breathes, "you wanna see?"

"Show me."

Dean slides his fingers out, pushing himself up to his knees and he runs his fingers along the underside of his cock. Cas props himself up to watch, wrapping his fingers around his own erection. He strokes himself slowly, focusing on the way Dean touches himself, the look on his face as he squeezes around the head of his cock. He's stunning and Cas would be happy to sit and watch him for hours, providing they could both last that long. It doesn't seem likely, given the way his cock jerks in his hand and the way Dean's hips move seemingly of their own volition, Cas assumes he's feeling the same. 

He reaches out, wrapping his free hand around Dean's cock where his doesn't reach and Dean thrusts up into the touch. Cas pulls up, squeezing around the head of Dean's cock before pulling off completely and sliding his hands over Dean's hips. He pulls him closer until Dean's straddling ling his hips and he reaches back behind him, pressing his fingers between Dean's cheeks. 

Dean stills completely and a soft gasp escapes his lips as Cas presses against him. He shifts his hips, pressing back against him and when Cas switches hand, pressing slick fingers against his hole, Dean rocks back hard. 

"Are you gonna fuck me?" he asks. 

"Do you want me to?" 

Dean runs his hands up Cas' stomach, brushing his thumbs over Cas' nipples and sending a shiver down his spine. "I wanna ride you," he breathes. Cas groans as Dean's fingers brush down his cock and he pushes deeper into him, spreading his fingers to stretch him open. 

Dean whimpers as Cas goes harder, thrusting deeply and sliding a second finger into him. He's barely pulled out when Dean pulls away, shuffling up over him. 

Cas watches quietly as Dean settles himself and he runs his hands up Dean's thighs, holding him steady. Dean reaches back to position Cas' cock, squeezing firmly as he sits back against him. As soon as Cas breaches him, Dean lets out a shaky groan, digging his fingers into Cas' chest. 

"Fuck, you're big," he groans. 

"You okay?" Cas asks and Dean nods enthusiastically like he's afraid Cas might try to stop him. 

"Yeah, just uh," he chuckles, "gimme a minute." Cas slides his hands up to Dean's hips, rubbing his thumbs in gentle circles into his skin. 

Dean sinks a little lower, groaning with every inch he takes in and Cas can barely stand it. When he finally seats himself, Dean shuts his eyes and rocks forward, squeezing around Cas' cock. His breath stutters and Cas squeezes gently, trying not to let Dean's desire overwhelm him. It's hard because Dean is beautiful and Cas has wanted this for so long, but he knows Dean isn't going anywhere. This time, he doesn't have to worry about losing him to someone else or making a mistake because Dean wanted him before he could even have him. He shuts his eyes inhaling deeply and trying not to move to fast for Dean. 

He runs his hands up Dean's stomach, sliding over smooth skin and up to brush against his neck. Dean shifts forward, reaching for Cas' hand as it slides back down his side. He twines their fingers together as he pulls up the full length of Cas' cock and sits back on his again. Dean groans as he seats himself again, rocking back to push Cas as deep as he can and squeezing Cas' hand. He keeps his free hand on Cas' stomach to steady himself. 

Cas tries to keep still, to let Dean set the pace until he's ready. Dean leans down over him, breathing softly against his lips. 

"It's okay," he breathes, brushing his fingers against Cas'. "You don't have to be so careful, I'm not gonna break." 

Cas looks up to meet his eyes and gives a quick, sharp thrust that nearly has Dean doubling over, moaning softly. When he doesn't resist, Cas gives another quick thrust and another. Each time Dean squeezes his hand and when he looks up, he looks overwhelmed. 

"Yeah, baby," he breathes, "just like that."

The first thing Cas learns when he lets go is that Dean is _loud_. He's been with a lot of guys who were verbal and a lot of guys who don't hold back when something feels good, but he's never fucked someone who's quite as enthusiastic as Dean is. Dean groans and whines with every thrust, whimpering when Cas holds back and when Cas holds his hips down, thrusting up hard, Dean moans so loud that Cas is sure he's going to wake someone up. 

He's laughing as he untangles his hand from Dean's, reaching up to curl around the back of his neck. They're both hot and sweaty and if someone were to walk in right now, even if they had the chance to adjust themselves, there would be no mistaking what they were doing. Cas pulls Dean down, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's jaw. 

"You're too loud," he breathes. 

"Sorry," Dean mumbles, pressing his head against Cas'. 

"Don't be. You sound so fucking sexy, I just don't want anyone else to hear you."

Dean nods understandingly and pushes his hips forward as his mouth presses against Cas' again. He kisses him with such determination and while Cas is disappointed that he can't let Dean be as loud as he wants this is a good compromise. 

When Dean breaks away, he pulls off and Cas watches him with anticipation as he turns around and sits back on Cas' hips. He reaches behind him, rubbing his fingers against his hole before grabbing Cas' cock and sliding it against him. Cas bites his lip to stifle a groan, running his hands up Dean's back. 

Dean teases him, letting go and grinding up the length of Cas' cock. When he finally slides back onto him, he's quick about it, taking Cas' full length in one motion and Cas drags his nails down his mouth, groaning. Dean doesn't hold back this time, riding Cas' cock like his life depends on it. He's quick and hard, snapping his hips back and squeezing Cas as he slides back up. 

It's been a long time since Cas has had good sex so his stamina isn't what he would hope it was, and Dean is relentless. He's trying to make Cas come and while normally Cas would try and get him there first, he's willing to make an exception tonight. After all, Dean's made it clear that all he wants out of this holiday is to make sure Cas enjoys it. 

He relaxes against the bed, spreading his legs and letting Dean take total control. He presses up in time with Dean's thrusts and when Dean takes his cock in his hand, Cas knows he must be close. He leans up to see over Dean's shoulder, watching the way Dean's cock slips between his fingers, listening to the way Dean moans with every thrust. He leans in to kiss his neck and buries his face in Dean's shoulder, groaning softly as Dean sits back and grinds against him. 

Cas is so close and he can't help but rock his hips forward as Dean pulls away, keeping himself as deep as he can inside him. He pulls Dean against him as the pleasure spikes, grinding into him and pressing hot sloppy kisses onto his shoulders. Dean doesn't let up as Cas comes, sinking down hard and clenching around him until Cas is breathless and spent. 

He collapses back against the headboard, letting his hands roam over Dean's body and Dean lifts a hand, wrapping it around his erection. Dean jerks himself quickly and Cas wants to be able to see him come, but the angle is wrong. He pulls Dean up against him, sliding his hands up his chest and brushing over his nipples. There's a stuttered oh fuck and then Dean's fingers close around his wrist, pulling his hand down to wrap around his cock. He jerks up into the touch as Cas strokes him throwing his head back against Cas' shoulder with a thud. 

"Touch me, baby, make me come."

Cas obliges him, jerking him hard and fast. It's nothing special, but Dean is beyond caring and he moans loudly with every brush of his fingers. When he comes, it's with a loud cry and Cas has to reach up and cover his mouth to keep him from waking someone up.

Dean reaches up, pushing Cas' hand off his cock and stroking himself hurriedly as he continues to come. He jerks hard, gasping against Cas' palm as he fucks into his hand. 

As Dean continues to stroke himself, whimpering softly as his hips twitch with overstimulation, he turns back to face Cas. He twists to kiss him, still bouncing lightly on Cas' cock as he catches his lips. Cas groans against him, fingers digging deeper into his hips until his legs shake under him and he can't take it anymore. He pushes Dean down, holding him steady and presses his nose into the back of his neck.

Neither of them speaks, but Dean leans back against him, deepening the kiss as he slips his hands over Cas'. He lifts himself off of Cas' softening cock and turns in his lap, winding his arms around Cas' neck and kissing him deeply. 

When he finally pulls away, Dean drops onto the mattress next to him, starting softly up at him for a moment before pulling Cas down with him. The smile spreads across his face and he leans in to kiss him again. 

"We're really gonna do it this time, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Cas breathes. He reaches out to run a hand through Dean's hair. "We are."

"I gotta say, I've never been so glad someone came over to borrow eggs."

Cas huffs a laugh, grinning over at him. "I'll remember to thank Anael for that in the morning."

"Me too." 

Cas leans over the edge of the bed with a groan, grabbing the first piece of fabric he can find to clean them up with. It's late and the only shower upstairs it outside his bedroom, so that's going to have to wait until the morning. At least then, he might be better prepared to deal with any potential questions about the noise. For now, a quick clean-up will have to do. he doesn't mind much and Dean doesn't complain. 

What he's not expecting, when Dean climbs out of bed, is for Dean to turn the light off and come right back to bed. 

"What are you doing?" Cas asks, "won't your family miss you?"

"Not likely. I left Sam a note." He smiles and climbs over Cas, rolling onto his side to run his fingers over Cas' cheek. "I think Mom will be okay when she finds out. She likes you."

"I hope so." 

Dean smiles as he shuts his eyes and Cas presses closer until their noses bump together. He feels the little puff of breath as Dean laughs and tips forward to kiss the tip of Dean's nose. It's silent for a long time, just the sounds of their breath mingling in the still air and then Dean shuffles next to him. Cas doesn't move, but in the stillness, he hears Dean speak. 

"God," he breathes, "I am so damn lucky."

Cas feels the faint brush of fingertips against his skin and he hums softly, shifting closer to throw an arm over Dean's hip. _No_ , he thinks, _I'm the lucky one_.


End file.
